


Bells Will Be Ringing

by carolinecrane



Series: Bellsverse [1]
Category: Dead Man on Campus (1998)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-07
Updated: 2010-10-07
Packaged: 2017-10-12 12:24:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/124782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinecrane/pseuds/carolinecrane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Five years after Cooper leaves Daleman he goes to a wedding and sees all his old friends again, which brings up a lot of issues Josh and Cooper had both been trying to bury.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bells Will Be Ringing

The steady thrum of tires against the highway kept time to the nondescript pop music on the radio, and Cooper reached out to find another station that wouldn't irritate him as much. When the radio cycled through to the next signal he scowled and turned the radio off altogether. "One goddamn station on the whole dial. I hate the mountains."

He was answered by silence, and he let out a frustrated sigh and ran a hand through his hair as he shifted in his leather seat. Three hours into his drive he was starting to question his sanity, or at the very least his backbone. He should have said no – he'd wanted to say no – but when he found himself finally agreeing to go to the wedding he hadn't been surprised at all. When it came to business he could turn down any deal he thought was insulting, or even if he thought that he could maybe pressure the client into going just a little bit higher. He could sweet talk his way into or out of pretty much any situation, it was the talent his father prized highest and the one that had earned him the grudging respect of his contemporaries. When it came to turning down a favor for an old friend, though…

Well, not just any friend. This was the one person that hadn't given up on him, hadn't just let Cooper fade into the past when he left Daleman. He was the one guy that had insisted on keeping in touch even when Cooper tried his hardest to push him away, did everything he could think of to get rid of him until finally it was just easier to take his calls than it was to think up excuses to keep avoiding him. He still remembered the first time he called after Cooper got home from school; he'd never expected to hear that particular voice on the other end of the line, but even though he'd been a complete bastard Pickle had never given up. Pickle – who would have ever thought that the guy he'd almost let die would be the one that would stick by him the longest?

Five years ago he never would have believed it; if anything he would have thought for sure it would be Josh sticking by him, nagging him to keep in touch and guilting him into driving five hours to a wedding he really didn't want to attend. Of course the idea of Pickle getting married didn't do weird things to his stomach the way the concept of Josh's wedding did. He wasn't going there, though, because if he started thinking about what Josh's life was like he'd turn his Lexus around and drive right back to Buffalo. Just the fact that he was here at all instead of in New York City helping his father wine and dine a new supplier was testament to how much he felt he owed Pickle. Not that he'd ever admit that to his friend, but in a way Pickle had kept him grounded during that first year when he was never really sure if he was coming or going. He still remembered his friend's exact words that first time he called:

_"Cooper, how's everything going? Everybody's been wondering how you're holding up."_

Cooper let out a mirthless chuckle as he recognized the voice on the other end of the line, rolling his eyes as he wondered how Pickle managed to draw the short straw. He wasn't really surprised that Josh had opted not to call back after the way their last conversation ended, but he hadn't expected Pickle to get elected to pick up where Josh left off. "Tell Josh he can stop checking up on me. Everything's fine."

"Josh doesn't even know I'm calling," Pickle said, and Cooper couldn't tell from just his voice whether he was lying or not. That was the problem with phones, it was too hard to tell whether or not the person on the other end of the line meant what they were saying. His throat tightened reflexively and he pushed the memory of his last words to Josh to the back of his mind, closing his eyes as he reached up to rub at the near-constant ache in his temples. "Look, Cooper, I know you've got a lot to deal with at home and all. I just wanted you to know that if you need somebody to talk to…you know, I'm around. I know what you're going through."

"Sure you do, Pickle." Cooper rolled his eyes and reached into his father's desk drawer for the bottle of aspirin he'd stashed there. "Look, I'm fine, my family's fine, I'm just taking a little time off to get everything back on track here. Once my dad's back on his feet I'll be back at school and we can all hold hands and bond over our issues with our fathers. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay," Pickle answered. Cooper expected to hear hurt in his voice, maybe not as much as he'd heard in Josh's voice a few days before, but at least a little. He was getting good at lashing out and acting like the spoiled junior tyrant, after all, but Pickle sounded more determined than anything. "I'll let you go for now. Talk to you soon, Cooper. And remember, any time you want to talk, you know where to find me."

Cooper laughed again and hung up the phone, slumping back into his father's leather chair and staring at the receiver as though it was going to start talking to him next. He had no idea what had just happened, but the words 'for now' kept sounding over and over in his head. The weird thing was that he and Pickle weren't really even close, but he had a feeling he hadn't gotten rid of his roommate – not by a long shot.

Finally he remembered the bottle of aspirin in his hand and popped the cap off, shaking his head at himself as he poured four aspirin into his palm and reached for the lukewarm coffee on the desk. He really was losing it when a handful of aspirin reminded him of all the times Josh had nursed him through a hangover over the last two years. He shook his head too hard against that image and chased all four aspirin with a long swallow of coffee, focusing on the bitter taste in his mouth instead of the memory of his last conversation with either one of his roommates. There was work to do, he had a dozen phone calls to return and he still had to go by the hospital and make sure his mother had eaten something in the last 24 hours. It was going to be a long day, and he didn't have time to worry about what was going on back at Daleman.

Cooper scowled as he watched the first few snowflakes hit his windshield, wishing not for the first time that he'd just told Pickle he couldn't make it this weekend. It was just a few days after Christmas, it wouldn't have been that hard to convince him that his parents wanted him home. Not that they were suddenly a Norman Rockwell painting around the holidays or anything – he and his dad still went head to head over tried and true versus innovative and high-risk wherever business was concerned, and he still wasn't sure how to talk to his mother. His weekly visits to their house for dinner almost always ended in him giving his father a run-down of the major happenings around the office while his mother sipped some gin concoction and ignored them both. It was the main reason he'd insisted on buying a townhouse not far from company headquarters, because he knew within the first six months of being home that wandering around that house would kill him faster than a bad heart could kill his father.

There really was a meeting in the city with a new supplier this weekend, though, and Cooper could have used that as an excuse to get out of driving all the way to the Poconos for Pickle's wedding. His friend would have known it was an excuse, of course, but at least he would have been able to look in the mirror the next day. He hadn't even tried to get out of it, though, because Pickle was his friend and he knew he owed him at least this. Not that he flattered himself that his presence at Pickle's wedding made a difference one way or the other, but Pickle wanted him there and when it came right down to it Pickle was really the only friend he had.

Sure, there were his business associates and the guys he'd grown up with around Buffalo, but Pickle was the only person he knew that had ever wanted something from him that didn't have to do with the amount of money his family made. When it came right down to it that was the reason he'd agreed to show up this weekend; that was the thing he missed most about college, having people around that wanted to be his friend not because of what it could get them, but because he was a fun guy. A mirthless chuckle escaped his throat as he reminded himself that he wasn't really a fun guy anymore, at least not in the way the guys from school remembered him. Still, Pickle seemed to think it was important that he showed up at the wedding, and he'd played a card that Cooper was almost sure he'd never use just to get him to say he'd show up.

 _"Cooper, you have to come. You're my friend and I want_ all _my friends there."_

"Pickle, seriously, I'm really happy for you and everything, but your timing couldn't be worse. We've got merger talks starting soon, who knows what's going to happen in December. I don't even know if I could get away for the afternoon, let alone a whole weekend."

"It's been almost five years, Cooper. Your dad can handle a weekend without you around and you know it. You've gotta stop hiding behind his heart attack sometime and start living again."

Coming from anybody else that would have really pissed him off, but somehow Pickle had a way of saying things to him that made it sound like he was just trying to help. It was impossible to get mad at the guy, even though everybody knew he was a master manipulator. "Look, I'll try, okay? That's the best I can do."

"Josh already said yes."

Just like that, out of nowhere. Cooper hadn't asked – hadn't planned to, hadn't even said that name _in four years. Not out loud, anyway. And even though he pretended not to care what Josh did with his life Pickle had this way of making sure he always knew, whether it was about Josh and Rachel breaking up less than a month after Cooper left school or about Josh's acceptance to the Ph.D. program at Boston University. He told himself every time that he didn't want to know, that he didn't care what his former best friend was doing with his life. He could be happy for the guy in a generic, 'he's really come a long way from that clueless kid I met in the dorm' way, but it couldn't go beyond that. Maybe it was pathetic that it still hurt to think about Josh's life going on without him, but that didn't mean Cooper had to listen to the details._

"I said I'd try. I've got a meeting like…five minutes ago, I gotta go."

"Sure, Cooper. I'll e-mail you the information so you can book a room at the inn."

That was all it took, just four little words: _Josh already said yes_. Pickle had known it and he'd used it against Cooper because he knew he could get away with it. He knew he was probably the only person in the world – Josh included – that could get away with it, and he used it to his advantage whenever he wanted something from Cooper. Of course everything Pickle ever asked of him was couched in the context of being for Cooper's own good, and in a way Cooper knew it was true. His friend was looking out for him, even if Cooper didn't really want to be looked out for. Nobody else was going to do it, not even Cooper. So maybe he was weak for letting Pickle bribe him into showing up at the wedding, but the fact was that a sick, masochistic part of him really, really wanted to see Josh again.

They didn't even have to talk – in fact it would almost be better if they didn't, more romantic in that 'secretly pining away all these years' kind of way if he could just watch Josh from across the reception and wonder what might have been. Not that he didn't know already what might have been. He'd lived with the guy for two years, it wasn't that hard to figure out that if he'd never left Daleman they'd have stayed roommates and best friends and then drifted apart after graduation instead of after his dad's heart attack. Josh would still have gone to grad school in Boston, and Cooper still would have gone home and found out that he was actually pretty good at the whole executive scene. Their lives couldn't be any further apart if they tried, and nothing would have changed that. Cooper never would have told Josh how he really felt about him, not when Josh had been dating the same girl for almost two years. And even if they'd broken up before Cooper left school he never would have said anything, because why ruin the best friendship he'd ever had by telling his straight friend that he went and fell in love with him?

Ever since he'd committed his credit card number and his time to this weekend in the mountains he'd been having fantasies, though. Troubling, dangerous fantasies, all of them revolving around Josh and each more dangerous than the next. Every time he caught his mind wandering while he was sitting in a meeting or in traffic he told himself he couldn't go to the wedding, that getting within fifty miles of Josh Miller was a really, really bad idea. It wouldn't be so bad if he was fantasizing about getting drunk with Josh and seducing his old friend while he was too wasted to know what he was doing. Hell, he'd had that fantasy in college, there was no real surprise there. No, these fantasies were more along the lines of seeing Josh again in front of everyone they knew and making a very public and quickly rejected declaration of love.

In a twisted way he kind of got off on picturing the look of horror and embarrassment on Josh's face, followed quickly by Midwestern guilt and a stammered, "Gee, Coop, I'm real sorry, I didn't know". It might even be worth it just to make Josh squirm in front of all his friends; maybe he'd even bring a date to complete his humiliation. Someone from grad school who could go back to Boston and spread the word to all his friends that Josh had broken some guy's heart back in undergrad. It might even be worth everyone at the wedding knowing that he'd spent five years trying unsuccessfully to get over the only person he'd ever loved; after all it wasn't like any of them were his friends anymore. Pickle, yeah, but he'd already guessed without Cooper ever saying anything so that didn't count. He didn't know how Pickle had guessed, but from the way he'd said _Josh already said yes_ it was obvious that he knew enough.

When he finally pulled into the parking lot outside the Crescent Lodge he was still picturing the look on everyone's faces when he finally said the words out loud. He'd do it with style, of course, maybe offer a toast to Pickle's happiness and slip it in at the end. "To Pickle and Lucy, who found the love that eludes most of us. Here's hoping they have a long and happy life together. I know I won't, seeing as how I've been in love with Josh for almost eight years and I just can't seem to get him out of my system."

Sure, it was a little bitter, but the looks on everyone's faces would almost be worth it. Almost. He sighed and turned off his ignition, leaning back against his leather upholstery to stare up at the inn. It wasn't too late to turn around and drive back to Buffalo, back to his townhouse where he was almost always alone but safe from the memories of those two years of college. Two years that completely changed his life and then laughed in his face when he tried to tell himself he'd find a way to hold on to them. It was all gone, just like that and there was nothing he could do about it. He forced himself to get out of the car anyway, reaching into his back seat for his overnight bag before he turned and forced his legs to carry him into the inn.

He stopped just inside the front door, taking in wood-paneled walls the color of honey and the fire roaring in the huge stone hearth at the center of the back wall. He hadn't wished for a long time that Pickle had just lost his phone number all those years ago when everyone else did, but now that he was actually there he wished it more than he ever had. Part of him was still contemplating turning around and walking right back out to his Lexus when he felt a hand land on his shoulder, and he recognized the face a split second before strong arms tried to squeeze the life out of him. Zeke, and he hadn't aged a day. Cooper patted his back as enthusiastically as he could muster and waited until he let go, smoothing new wrinkles out of his gray suit as he looked up at his old friend.

"Cooper, how the hell have you been? What's it been…five years? We weren't sure you were gonna show this weekend. I mean not like we've been talking about it or anything, just that nobody's really heard from you since you left Daleman. So how the hell have you been?"

"I'm good, work keeps me pretty busy. It's good to see you, Zeke," Cooper said when the other man finally took a breath. He was surprised to find that he meant it; as much as he'd been dreading the moment when he saw all his old friends again, it was kind of nice, or at least not as painful as he'd been expecting.

"Yeah, I mean you look great, Cooper. Looks like life's been treating you right. So you seen anybody else yet?"

"Just got here," Cooper answered, holding up his overnight bag. Zeke looked a little nervous, and as much as he hoped he was wrong Cooper had a feeling he knew why. Then again, if Pickle knew without him ever saying a word that he was here more or less for the sole purpose of seeing Josh, it wasn't that far-fetched that some of the other guys would wonder. Back when he and Josh were still roommates the rumors hadn't bothered him – he kind of got a kick out of them, even – but five years later he knew it was just going to make seeing Josh again even harder. He couldn't help wondering what Josh thought about it, if he even knew Cooper was going to be there or if he cared one way or the other.

For awhile Zeke just stood there looking at him like he wasn't sure what to say, not that Cooper could really blame him. They'd gotten together since they all graduated and Cooper was always invited thanks to Pickle, but work gave him a ready supply of good excuses to blow off every one of their little reunions. So none of them were used to seeing him in an Armani suit looking like he was headed for a board meeting instead of a weekend of catching up with old friends. Only they weren't his friends, not really. Maybe that was his fault as much as anybody else's, but he wasn't about to pretend that he'd never noticed how they all forgot about him the minute he left school.

Alright, maybe that wasn't totally true, at least not for all of them. He knew Zeke and a couple of the other guys asked about him – none of them ever called to see how things were going but they had their own lives and it was easy to forget about somebody when he wasn't at every party anymore. Everybody figured he'd be back eventually, they all assumed he'd take the semester off and then be back as soon as things were back under control at home. Even he'd figured that was how it would go…a couple months at home putting in his time for the family and then he'd be right back at Daleman. That was the plan, he just never got around to going back.

"So you should come over to the bar, a few of the guys are here already," Zeke said, interrupting his train of thought.

"Sounds good. I'm just gonna check in and drop my bag in my room, shouldn't take me too long." He wanted to ask Zeke who he meant by 'a few of the guys', but he didn't want to make it obvious that there was only one reason he'd showed up at the wedding. They were probably already thinking that anyway, but he didn't need to prove it by asking a bunch of questions five minutes after he showed up. Zeke nodded and pointed out the bar, then he took off and Cooper could only assume he was going to inform 'the guys' that he'd arrived. It wasn't that he wasn't used to the attention; being the heir apparent to the Frederickson plumbing empire made him high profile in certain circles and he was used to people speculating about his personal and professional life.

This was different, though, because he knew the only reason Zeke and the others were interested in seeing him again was because of the way he left school. Kind of like how everyone on the highway slows down to look at a car wreck, because even though you know you're making traffic worse you can't resist trying to catch a glimpse of some blood or maybe even a body. It was just human nature, so he couldn't hold it against them. Like a left-over mystery nobody had ever solved…he couldn't blame them for being curious about what happened to him. Pickle must have told them something, although Cooper was pretty sure he left out the part about how Pickle more or less forced him to stay in touch even though he did pretty much everything he could think of to get him to back off.

The first year was hard; things at home were strained and thinking about life going on without him back at Daleman hurt in a way he hadn't expected. After awhile he realized that he was actually pretty good at sweet-talking clients and suppliers, though, and once his father started to actually treat him like an equal he didn't mind giving up college so much. Well, everything except Josh, and that was the reason he was still rethinking this whole wedding thing even though it was too late to turn around and go back to Buffalo.

It only took a couple minutes to check in and drop his bag off in his room, but once he was alone he just sat on the edge of the bed for awhile and stared at the wall. He'd spent five hours in his car trying hard not to think about why he was driving all the way to the Poconos to see a bunch of people he hadn't talked to in years, but once he started thinking about going down to that bar he couldn't avoid it anymore. Five years should have been enough time to get over regretting the fact that he dropped out of college; he had a good reason, after all, and even if he never went back like he said he was going to he was doing okay for himself.

They probably all knew that already thanks to Pickle, so there was no point in hanging out in his room avoiding the inevitable. He was still working up the nerve to go back downstairs and face them when someone knocked on the door, and for a second he wondered if this could be it. He had to force himself to get up and answer it, willing his hands not to shake as he told himself it wasn't Josh. He didn't even know for sure that Josh was at the inn yet, there was no reason to think that he'd followed Cooper up to his room. As soon as he saw the person on the other side of the door he relaxed and shook his head at his overactive imagination.

"Hey, Pickle. Long time no see."

"Zeke told me you were here," he said as Cooper stood aside and let him in. His hair was shorter than it was the last time he was in Buffalo, but it was still the same Pickle he'd roomed with for a year and a half. "I came up to see for myself. To tell you the truth I wasn't sure you'd show."

Cooper rolled his eyes and grinned but the truth was he was right; pretty much the only thing that stopped him from bailing was knowing that Pickle expected him to. "I told you I'd be here. My word's not worth anything now?"

"Let's just say that if you hadn't showed I would have understood. I'm glad you're here, though, Cooper. It'll do you good to see everybody again."

Same old Pickle, still trying to save Cooper from himself. He'd spent the first three years after he left Daleman trying to convince Pickle that there was nothing to save, that his life was the way he wanted it and there was nothing missing. Pickle never bought it, though, and even though it got a little annoying sometimes it was nice to know he was in Cooper's corner. Even if they didn't talk that much or get together unless he happened to be passing through town it was still nice to pick up the phone and hear a familiar voice.

"College was a long time ago," Cooper said. "It's not the same for me. I'm just here because I knew if I didn't show up you'd never let me forget it."

He laughed at that and reached for the door again. "Whatever works. Come on, you can buy me a drink to congratulate me on my wedding."

"Where's Lucy?" Cooper asked as he followed the other man out of the room and toward the stairs.

"Girl stuff. She's really big on the whole not seeing each other before the wedding thing, so she's avoiding me until tomorrow. Gives me time to catch up with you guys, though." He grinned over his shoulder at Cooper in time to watch Cooper shake his head, but even though Cooper wouldn't admit it he kind of liked the fact that Pickle still included him as one of the guys. Knowing that he'd already told the rest of them that Cooper was coming made it a little easier too, but he couldn't ignore the fact that the closer they got to the bar the more nervous he was.

Pickle must have been able to tell how weird it was for Cooper because he reached over and patted Cooper's shoulder just before they walked into the bar. Part of Cooper was annoyed that his friend could always tell when he was trying to act like everything was fine; when they were still roommates they didn't even really hang out all that much, but after Cooper left school and Pickle kept calling to check up on him he started letting his guard down a little more. Maybe it was because he was really the only person Cooper could do that with – at home he was too busy trying to pretend he knew what the hell he was doing to let anybody see how hard it was for him to just walk away from his life. Well, certain parts of his life, anyway.

Cooper took a deep breath and hoped nobody would notice how much he wished he was anywhere but in that bar as he followed Pickle to the group of guys near the back of the room. There were some faces he recognized and a few he didn't, but he barely paid attention to the names as Pickle introduced him. The whole time he stood there shaking hands with Jerry and Hank and the rest of them he kept scanning the table, looking for an empty chair that meant maybe Josh was just in the bathroom or making a phone call or something. There was no sign anywhere that somebody was missing, though – not an abandoned glass of beer or a chair still warm from his sudden departure. Cooper wasn't sure whether to be relieved that he didn't have to see him again in front of everybody or disappointed that the reason he'd showed up in the first place wasn't there. Either way he just hoped to God none of them noticed how much thought he'd put into seeing Josh again.

Somebody – Zeke, from the size of the hand on his shoulder – dragged him into a chair and put a beer in front of him before he realized he was still standing there like an idiot. Cooper didn't bother to mention that he didn't drink much beer anymore…didn't drink much at all, really, especially not around his father. Something told him they were all still expecting the same guy that had been the life of the party their first two years at Daleman, and he didn't think he had the energy to convince them otherwise. So he picked up his beer and turned on the smile he usually reserved for clients. He was used to charming people, he'd been doing it all his life and making a lot of money for the company with that very smile for the past five years. He'd never thought he and his father would see eye to eye about anything, but once his dad figured out that he could charm pretty much anybody into any deal he started to appreciate Cooper a lot more.

"So Cooper, looks like life's been pretty good to you." Jerry – he'd changed in all the ways you'd expect after five years; filled out from the scrawny guy Cooper remembered in the dorm and he looked more confident, but he still had a gentle smile that probably made him popular with women.

"Can't complain," Cooper said, smiling in that self-deprecating way that always let his clients know that he was just humoring them before he went in for the kill. It was strange how much this felt like a meeting with a prospective buyer, but over the past few years he'd gotten out of practice at socializing just for the company.

"Just goes to show college isn't everything," Jerry said, but Cooper could tell by the way he grinned that he didn't mean it in a condescending way. After all, Cooper was the only guy at the table with an Armani suit and a Lexus in the parking lot, and he was the one who dropped out before the end of their second year. He was used to people envying him for being successful without really working for it…at least most people assumed he didn't work for it. And maybe he didn't at first – didn't even want it, really – but once he left school he'd worked harder than any of them would ever know just to keep the company afloat and try to look like he had a clue what he was doing.

"So how's your dad?"

"He's good. The doctors and my mother keep on him about making sure he doesn't push himself too much, and I do most of the traveling now. The hardest part for him was giving up Scotch." They all just kind of nodded when he stopped talking, and he wasn't sure if the looks on their faces had more to do with pity or just not having a fucking clue what to say. Not that he could really blame them; when it first happened he didn't want to talk to anybody about it, and by the time he got a handle on how he felt he didn't know any of them anymore.

The conversation shifted to Hank's new baby and inevitably Pickle's last night as a free man, and Cooper tried to laugh along with the jokes and the ribbing the other guys got in at Pickle's expense. Every so often his gaze drifted toward the door, though, and every time he caught himself he wished all over again that he'd stayed in Buffalo.

Blowing off Pickle on the most important day of his life wasn't really an option, though, no matter how much part of Cooper wished he was at dinner with clients right now instead of drinking with his old friends. He just wished he knew where Josh was, but nobody had even mentioned his name yet. Whether that was because Cooper was sitting at the table or not he wasn't sure, but he couldn't just ask if Josh was going to show up or if he was wasting a whole lot of energy worrying about nothing. Maybe he shouldn't have cared what any of them thought of him, but he'd given up trying to control that a long time ago. At least he couldn't control the fact that he cared – he cared enough to sit there pretending he was having a good time hearing stories about college parties he wasn't at just so they wouldn't know what he was really thinking about.

A couple hours later he was still ignoring his first beer, but either nobody noticed or they were too polite to ask why he wasn't drinking. Pickle was the first one to stand up, saying something about how late it was getting and letting out a yawn for affect. Cooper knew he was going to spend the whole night wide awake staring at the ceiling in his room, but he wasn't about to try to convince any of them to stay and keep drinking. Five years ago he would have been calling them a bunch of wusses for bailing at 9:30; back in college he could keep a party going all weekend just on the promise of good drugs. Between him and Zeke they kept the entire campus in recreational drugs, but now Hank was married with a kid and Pickle was about to take the plunge. Even Zeke had some girl he was pretty serious about; someone he met in pharmacy school, ironically enough.

Cooper stood up and hung back a little while they said goodnight, glancing toward the door as he wondered if any of them would notice if he just left. As soon as he saw the person walking toward the table he forgot all about moving, though; forgot _how_ to move and just focused on making sure his jaw didn't actually scrape the floor. Josh looked completely different and exactly the same. Cooper didn't know how i was possible, but that was the only way he could think of to describe it. His hair was shorter but it still curled around his ears a little, and he was wearing a blue work shirt and a pair of jeans with a tie but Cooper would have recognized that body anywhere. He told myself it was just surprise that made his heart skip a beat, wishing more than ever that he'd listened to his instincts and stayed home.

"Josh, there you are," Pickle said. Cooper wondered for a second if Pickle had seen his reaction to Josh walking in; he knew he'd spotted him first, but he could only hope none of them had seen the look on his face when he did. "I was afraid you got snowed in up in Boston."

"Sorry, I had a last-minute admit to deal with," Josh answered. God, that smile – every time Cooper closed his eyes for five years he'd seen that smile, and now that it was standing right in front of him it was all he could do not to throw up on his shoes. "Got a later start than I planned and then I had to wait for a cab from the train station."

"You should have called, one of us would have come and picked you up," Pickle said as Josh shook hands with all his friends. It was strange watching him while he didn't know Cooper was there, almost like he was in some twisted version of 'A Christmas Carol' and this was the ghost of Christmas Past. Finally Josh worked his way through all the other guys, though, and Cooper felt himself tense up when Josh looked past Zeke and saw him standing there.

"Cooper?" The way Josh said his name like he had no idea Cooper would be there was bad enough, and he made a mental note to kill Pickle later for not giving him some warning. Then Josh grinned even wider and before Cooper knew what was happening familiar arms were pulling him close. He had a weird flash of the two of them sitting on Cooper's bed, Josh's arms around him and one hand sort of petting his hair after he woke up from a nightmare. He had to stop himself from holding on too tight, but Josh was holding on pretty tight himself and he didn't seem like he was in a hurry to let go. When he finally did pull back a little Cooper felt warm lips brush his ear, and he was sure Josh felt the shiver that he couldn't have stopped even if he wanted to.

"It's really good to see you," he whispered against Cooper's skin, then he pulled away completely and Cooper knew they could all see exactly how confused he was, but he couldn't even try to hide it.

He'd dreamt this moment so many times over the past five years, wondered what it would be like to touch Josh again and hear him say "I've missed you" or "I'm sorry". Now that they were finally face to face again all the feelings he'd pretended were buried came flooding back, but Josh didn't even seem to remember the way things ended. Yeah, okay, he seemed happy to see Cooper and if that hug was any indication maybe Josh had missed him a little, but there was no guilt about cutting Cooper out of his life or even a mumbled "I've been meaning to call". It was still the same Josh, with his cheap clothes and that mop of hair that never really did what he wanted it to, but he seemed…different. More sure of himself, maybe, like he'd figured some things out after they stopped being best friends.

Maybe it was Cooper's fault for never asking about him when Pickle told him what the guys were up to; he knew Josh was in grad school because Pickle offered that kind of information, but he never asked if Josh was dating anyone or what his plans for the future were. It hurt too much to hear about his life going on without Cooper in it, and the fact that he'd never made an effort to keep in touch hurt even worse. Cooper mumbled something about how good it was to see him too, but as soon as one of them suggested they stay for just one more drink he knew he had to get out of there.

"It was a long drive from Buffalo," he said, not looking at Josh or Pickle as he backed toward the door. "I'm gonna turn in. See you guys tomorrow."

As soon as he was alone in his room again he knew what a mistake it was to run out of the bar like that, but at the time he couldn't think about anything but getting out of there. He couldn't sit there with Josh and pretend like the past five years were all water under the bridge, no matter how much he'd tried to convince himself that he'd put all that behind him. He had a life in Buffalo and most of the time he believed it when he told himself he didn't regret leaving school. As long as he didn't think about Josh he could believe it, but the minute he put his arms around Cooper and whispered in his ear it all came right back. Five years should have been enough to forget, to move on and get over the fantasy of something that was never going to happen. But all it took was one look at him and suddenly Cooper felt like he was nineteen again, pretending he didn't know the meaning of the word commitment just so nobody would catch on to the fact that he was in love with his best friend.

~

Snow fell in thick, heavy flakes past the row of windows lining the inn's dining room, and Josh wondered vaguely if they were all in danger of getting snowed in past the weekend. He couldn't afford the time away from work, not when they were already short-staffed over the holidays. It had been hard enough to convince them to give him the weekend off, he could just imagine having to call his supervisor to tell her he was stuck in Pennsylvania. Not that he could control the weather, she knew that but she still wouldn't be happy considering he'd promised her he'd be back no later than Sunday night.

Cabrini House was his first and really his only priority these days; it was tied up in every aspect of his life, from the dissertation he was writing about the kids that lived there to the free time he spent hanging out with them just so he didn't have to think about why he'd given up on the concept of a social life a long time ago. He loved his internship, and he'd never once regretted or even questioned his decision to go into Child Psychology. It was a decision he made his senior year at Daleman, and he'd loved his graduate work even more because he got to spend a lot of his spare time helping kids that reminded him a lot of himself just five years ago.

A lot of these kids were younger than he was when Cooper left school, but they were no less lost and confused and he could relate to that. It took him a long time to come to terms with who he was and what he wanted out of his life, but once he finally did he knew he wanted to give that back to other kids that were going through the same thing. The only thing that was really missing from his life was someone to share his passion for his job with. He had friends, sure – Pickle and Zeke and the rest of the guys, and somehow he and Rachel had stayed friends even after he hurt her worse than he'd thought he was capable of. He knew he was lucky to have friends that stuck by him, but there was still a void in his life that he wasn't sure would ever go away.

Well.

That wasn't entirely true. He picked up his coffee cup and let out a soft sigh, tearing his gaze away from the snow that was turning the world outside a crisp white. Just for a few seconds last night that gnawing hollow feeling had eased up a little; it hadn't disappeared entirely, but when Cooper put his arms around him and hugged him tight Josh felt the ache leave his chest. He still wasn't sure what had possessed him to just hug Cooper like that after all the time that had passed without a word between them, but he couldn't make himself regret it. No matter how things had ended – maybe even because of the way they ended – he still missed Cooper just as much five years later as he did that first day his best friend packed up his life and moved back to Buffalo.

Josh still remembered it as clearly as if it had happened a week ago, sitting on his bed watching Cooper pack. He didn't shed a tear when his father's secretary called to tell him what was going on, but Josh could see the tension in his best friend's shoulders and all he'd wanted to do was pull Cooper close and never let him go. It was a strange feeling, wanting to just reach out and touch him, but after two years of communicating with Cooper by touch he was almost used to it. He still wasn't convinced it was completely normal, but he had a girlfriend and Cooper had several so they weren't doing anything wrong.

He laughed as he remembered how long he'd believed that logic, and how soon after Cooper left that his whole world came crashing down around him. Cooper never knew – still didn't, probably never would – but it took him leaving to convince Josh that he couldn't lie to himself forever. He'd tried, God knew he'd tried for years to deny what he wanted. He'd used all the arguments that had been pounded into his brain growing up, about how it was wrong and sick and abnormal and even sinful. Growing up in a small town where everybody knew him meant that he couldn't ever let his guard down, not even a tiny bit because if he did everyone would know. Even the possibility that someone might figure out how his body reacted to seeing the other guys in the locker room or thinking about what it would be like to touch them…well, the jokes alone about this guy or that guy being a fag were enough to convince him that he just had to find a way to ignore it.

So he did, all through high school and into college he told himself that it was wrong and that he could be normal if he just ignored those urges. He started dating Rachel because she was pretty and interested, and he kept dating her because it was the only way to keep a wall between him and the person that quickly became the center of most of his unnatural urges. That never stopped him from responding to Cooper's frequent hugs or touches, though, and he found himself reciprocating more often than he would ever have allowed himself back home. And the thing was it didn't _feel_ unnatural – in fact it felt like the most natural thing in the world to put his arms around Cooper and hold him until he could breathe again after his roommate woke up from a nightmare.

Those little touches were enough as long as Cooper was always around, kind of like they'd found a way to be intimate without breaking any rules that would lead Josh into the great taboo he'd learned to fear at an early age. Then one day Cooper was just gone, and his whole world turned upside down. He hadn't even let himself admit how he felt about his best friend, not until Cooper hugged him goodbye and promised that he'd be back next year. He just had to go home and take care of things until his dad got back on his feet, that's what he'd said. The company needed a family presence to keep going until his dad could take over again, but a little thing like a heart attack wasn't going to stop Max Frederickson for long. Cooper would be back, and Josh shouldn't worry because they'd always be best friends. Always.

He swallowed around the lump that formed in his throat whenever he relived that scene, telling himself he hadn't cried then and he wasn't going to start crying about it five years later. By the time he understood why Cooper pushed him away, though, it was too late to do anything about it without making a fool of himself. So he'd just let it go, because what else could he really do? They both had their own lives now, and Josh didn't fit into Cooper's new life any more than Cooper wanted to be a part of Josh's. The last words they'd said to each other still stung, though, so much that he wasn't sure he could spend the whole weekend pretending that nothing had ever happened between them.

_"How's your dad doing?"_

"He's fine, Josh. I keep telling you he's fine."

"He had a triple bypass, Cooper. That's not most people's definition of 'fine'."

He could hear the long, drawn-out breath on the other end of the line but he ignored it, telling himself that Cooper was just worried about his father and he didn't want to show it. Josh had seen firsthand how things were between Cooper and his dad, and he couldn't help worrying that Cooper blamed himself for pushing his dad's buttons once too often and finally pushing just a little too far.

"Look, Josh, I know you're busy with school and Rachel and I've got about twenty phone calls to make to my dad's clients. So I appreciate you calling and all…"

He panicked at the thought of Cooper hanging up so soon, not even three minutes after he'd called. All he wanted was to hear Cooper's voice, to know that he was okay and that he'd still be the same Cooper when he finally got back to Daleman. Because he was coming back, he'd promised and that had to mean something. "I just…I'm worried about you, Coop. I…everybody misses you."

Josh knew as soon as he said it that he'd gone too far, but it was harder than he'd ever thought possible to carry on awkward conversation with Cooper from two hundred miles away. He knew he couldn't say or do anything to make it easier, and if he was honest with himself that wasn't even why he'd called Cooper in the first place. It was completely selfish, always selfish because he wanted to hear Cooper's voice and he wanted to make sure that Cooper wouldn't forget about him. He couldn't just blurt out what he'd realized in the days following Cooper's departure; he couldn't tell the one person in the world that he told everything to that he'd realized after Cooper left that he loved him. So he told Cooper he was worried and that everyone asked about him, but he never said the one thing that might have made a difference.

"I'm fine, my dad's fine, I'm just busy. Look, Josh…"

"I know, I'm sorry. Just…you're still coming back to school next year, right?" God, he sounded so pathetic, like an eight-year-old kid begging his workaholic dad to remember he had a kid long enough to play a game of one-on-one over the weekend.

There was a long pause on the other end of the line before Cooper finally answered, and when he did he sounded tired and a lot older than Josh had ever heard him sound. "I don't know. Things here are kind of up in the air right now."

"Cooper, you have to come back to school. You can't just drop out, not after everything." The words just came out, he didn't plan to say a single one of them but suddenly he couldn't stop himself. He needed the reassurance that he wasn't losing his best friend, even if that was all Cooper ever was to him. "You're just gonna throw away the past two years?"

"What does it matter?" He could hear the anger creeping into Cooper's voice and it made his heart ache, he was blushing too at how desperate he must sound but he couldn't help it. "Look, Josh, I'm not trying to be an asshole here but I've got a lot going on right now. I'll let you know when things calm down a little."

He told himself that he was imagining the tightness in Cooper's voice, that he understood why he was being dismissed like he didn't mean anything. It had to be hard for Cooper to suddenly be saddled with grown-up responsibilities when he'd spent the first nineteen years of his life screwing around, but it was just as hard for Josh to know that Cooper didn't want his help. He'd mumbled some kind of goodbye and hung up the phone, and it had taken him another two months to give up on the idea that Cooper might actually call the way he'd said he would. By then his relationship with Rachel was over and he'd given up trying to deny to himself and his friends why he was taking Cooper's leaving so hard, but he couldn't bring himself to call his best friend and embarrass himself again.

Josh snapped himself out of the memory with a sharp gasp, his lungs filling too fast and making him cough. It had been a long time since he thought about the way his friendship with Cooper ended, but seeing him again had brought everything right back up. It wasn't like he could even pretend it was the shock of seeing Cooper again after five years, because he'd known he was going to be there. Pickle had made it very clear to everyone that _all_ the guys from the dorm were going to be there, and nobody had ever questioned that that meant Cooper too. Pickle was the only one that stayed in touch with him, maybe because he was the only one that was strong enough to take it in stride when Cooper acted like a total bastard and tried to push Pickle away.

The shame that began to creep into Josh's cheeks was replaced by a hard ache in his chest as he looked up and saw Cooper, his white work shirt and khakis crisp even though he was still rubbing sleep out of his eyes. He looked up and their eyes locked, and Josh ignored the flash of panic that passed over Cooper's features as he waved his old friend over. Just for a second Cooper hesitated as though he was trying to decide whether or not to make a run for it, then his shoulders fell a little and he walked over to the table Josh had been sitting at for almost an hour.

"Now that's something I never thought I'd see," Josh said, forcing a too-bright grin as Cooper slid into the chair across from him and reached up to adjust his glasses.

"What?"

God, just the sound of that voice…there had to be something wrong with him, because nobody should still be hung up on someone they'd never had a chance with after five years. "You out of bed before 10:00 am," Josh answered, hoping Cooper wouldn't notice how nervous he was. "It's only 6:30, I feel like I should be checking the news to see if Hell's frozen over."

"Yeah, well, you'd be surprised how much a person can change in five years," Cooper said over the rim of his coffee cup. His tone was soft, but Josh just barely caught a hint of hurt and – was that accusation? – around the edges of the words. He swallowed hard and picked up his own cup of coffee, turning it in his hands in an effort to avoid Cooper's gaze.

"Yeah, I guess so," Josh finally answered, wincing at the wounded puppy quality of his own voice. He'd love to know when he'd turned into such a pathetic little kid wherever Cooper was concerned, but then again he guessed he'd always been pretty pathetic when it came to Cooper.

A heavy sigh from the other side of the table made him look up again in time to catch Cooper studying his expression. Just for a second he was almost sure Cooper knew exactly what he was thinking, but then the moment passed and it was just two guys that didn't know each other anymore sharing a table. "Speaking of changes, what's going on with you?" Cooper asked, and Josh was almost relieved for the small talk just to fill up the oppressive silence.

"I've been living in Boston for the past couple years," he said, some of the tension flowing out of him as his thoughts turned to his job at Cabrini House. "Right now I'm finishing up my dissertation and my internship. I'm one of the on-site child psychologists for a halfway house for runaway teens. It's been great, I mean talk about a learning experience and the kids are amazing. Kinda makes you realize just how much you take for granted when you hear some of their stories."

"Sounds like you've got your life figured out." Josh searched Cooper's expression for any hint of bitterness or sarcasm, but as far as he could tell the other man really was impressed.

"Yeah, well, I don't know about 'figured out'. When I'm officially done with my Ph.D. in a few months I have to find a real job. Cabrini House is great and I'll really miss it, but I can't stay there forever. Besides, as much as I like Boston I don't think I want to settle down there."

Cooper shifted in his chair, leaning a little further across the table as he listened to Josh talk. It was weird even after five years of silence between them not to be able to just reach out and touch him, although even back when they were still friends Josh was pretty sure that hand-holding didn't fall under the category of platonic male bonding. So he checked the urge to mold his fingers to the curve of Cooper's hand where it rested on the table, biting the insides of his cheeks just to remind himself that this wasn't one of the many dreams he'd had over the years about running into Cooper again.

"You thinking about going back to Indiana?"

The question took Josh by surprise until he remembered that Cooper had no idea what had happened in the past five years. Somewhere in the back of his mind he'd been hoping that maybe Pickle had filled him in, but maybe Cooper hadn't wanted to hear about Josh after they stopped talking. Maybe he'd never even asked because he just didn't care, and these questions were just Cooper's way of being polite to someone he used to know.

"I don't exactly fit in there anymore. In fact it's been a few years since I went back even to visit." He could see the shock on Cooper's face as he said the words, and he smiled self-consciously as he reminded himself that the last Cooper knew Josh's mother was still the doting, overbearing woman that called him 'Joshie' and expected him to get straight A's.

"Everything okay with your mom?"

"Yeah…I mean I don't really talk to her much these days but as far as I know she's fine. She doesn't have a lot to say to me anymore. Listen, Cooper…" He paused and took a deep breath, wondering how exactly he was supposed to come out to Cooper after all this time. He could just blurt it out, or make a joke out of the fact that his mother didn't have much use for a gay son that never got around to becoming a 'real doctor'. Before he had a chance to decide the best way to say it he heard two familiar voices approaching, and he looked up in time to watch Rachel and Kristin sit down with them. Part of him expected to feel relieved at being saved the trouble of telling Cooper the truth, but he was more disappointed than anything.

"Hey guys," Rachel said as she grinned over at Cooper. "Cooper, you look great. Everybody's glad you could make it."

Josh snapped his jaw shut before he could ask her what the hell she thought she was doing, quelling the urge to roll his eyes as he listened to her and Cooper exchange pleasantries. She of all people should have known that he and Cooper would have things to talk about – maybe they wouldn't get around to talking about _everything_ , but he'd been hoping for at least a few minutes alone with his former roommate. Even if they never got past the meaningless small talk at least it would be something, and maybe they could find a way to reconnect after the weekend was over. That was if Cooper even wanted that, but at this rate Josh might never find out.

The point was that when he saw Cooper up practically before dawn he figured it might be his only shot to at least try to see if there was any chance they could be friends again, and that chance was disappearing as quickly as it took for Kristin and Rachel to start telling him the story of how Pickle finally proposed to Lucy. He couldn't really blame them, though; everyone was curious about Cooper, in fact when they'd found out he might actually show up at the wedding it had almost become a bigger topic of conversation than the wedding itself. Everyone kind of expected Pickle and Lucy to stick it out, but nobody really expected to ever see Cooper again. Well, Josh had been hoping, but just because he had stupid fantasies about going to Buffalo and running into his old friend didn't mean they were going to happen.

He smiled as the sound of Cooper's laughter penetrated his subconscious, glancing across the table to steal a glimpse of the guy who had somehow become his ideal. It was almost laughable considering the fact that Josh didn't even like Cooper that much in the beginning. He was a loud, inconsiderate roommate and almost got them both kicked out of school with his irresponsible behavior. Not that Josh wasn't partly to blame for letting Cooper lead him astray, but once he spent a little time in Cooper's company there was no way he could walk away. He'd been addicted from the first second he let his guard down, the first time Cooper put his hand on Josh's shoulder and smiled just for him. Like Josh was the reason Cooper got out of bed in the morning, like he'd never met anybody as interesting as Josh before and he wasn't going to rest until he unraveled the mystery of this weird, shy kid from Indiana.

And Josh was pathetic about it, walking away from his girlfriend without so much as a backwards glance any time Cooper needed anything. Even if all Cooper wanted was attention Josh would gladly give it, he'd drop everything to focus on the one person that made getting out of bed every morning worth it. He didn't realize that it was love until it was too late, but even if he'd known what he was feeling before Cooper left he wasn't sure he would have acted on it. It wasn't that he was worried that Cooper would freak out about the gay thing – Cooper seemed to move almost fluidly between assigned roles, playing up the rumors about him and Josh when it amused him and then dragging some nameless girl home that same night. Nothing phased him back then, not until the day some woman he hardly even knew called to tell him his father had had a heart attack.

The change in Cooper that day was frightening – there was no other way to describe it, it was as though his first 20 years of life had just caught up with him and he was seeing with a startling clarity what he'd been doing all that time. All the screwing around and messing up just to get a rise out of his old man must have flashed before his eyes, and Josh could see it even though Cooper never admitted it: Regret. In that instant he regretted every button he'd ever pushed, every time he'd let his father down on purpose just to get a little attention. Maybe that moment of weakness where he let Josh see everything was the reason he ended up pushing Josh away; maybe it hurt too much knowing that Josh had seen that part of him, like he had something to hold over Cooper now. As though he'd ever do anything to hurt Cooper on purpose, no matter what he thought it would get him.

So maybe Josh had taken his time getting out of Boston the day before, maybe he could have let somebody else handle the kid that Social Services brought in. Maybe Cabrini House would have survived just fine if he'd left a day early instead of hanging around just to make sure they didn't need him, but he kept putting off the trip because he was scared. Scared of what he'd see when he walked into the inn and saw Cooper for the first time, saw all the changes in his friend and what five years of worrying about his father had done to him. When he finally worked up the nerve to walk into the bar and really did see Cooper for the first time it startled him how little he'd changed; maybe that was why he'd just thrown his arms around him and breathed in his scent. He still remembered how Cooper's arms had tightened around him like he was trying to hold onto something, just for a second before he tensed a little and forced himself not to hold Josh too close. That had to be what made Josh lose his mind for a second and press his lips to Cooper's ear like they were old lovers renewing a spark that had been ignored too long.

His whole body flushed as he replayed the scene over in his head, and he forgot about Kristin and Rachel sitting at the table catching up with Cooper. He forgot about everything except the feeling of Cooper's arms around him and the fact that he'd taken it too far – way too far and now God only knew what Cooper must think of him. His gaze darted across the table and sure enough Cooper was watching him, more or less out of the corner of his eye as he pretended to pay attention to Kristin but it was enough to make Josh stand up abruptly, practically knocking his chair over in his rush to get away from that steady gaze.

"Josh? Josh, what's the matter?" Rachel, playing the doting-but-understanding ex-girlfriend, as usual. He barely glanced in her direction as he shook his head, wishing with everything in him that he hadn't just humiliated himself in front of Cooper again. It was too late to take it back, though; too late to do anything really except cut his losses and find someplace to pull himself together. It was bad enough that he'd practically kissed Cooper last night after five years of silence, no wonder he'd run out of the bar less than a minute after Josh showed up.

"I…uh…I just remembered something I forgot to put in a case file," he said, his cheeks flushing an even deeper shade of red at the lie. "I need to make a phone call, that's all. I'll catch up with you guys later." He didn't wait for an answer before he turned on his heel and headed back to his room, and he didn't need to look back to know that all three of them were watching him as he practically ran up the stairs. Rachel and Kristin already knew exactly what the problem was, at least he assumed they'd be able to figure it out pretty easily. He could only pray that neither of them would explain it to Cooper.

~

Cooper had never been big on clichés, but even he had to admit that the wedding really was beautiful. Lucy's parents had spared no expense for their daughter's wedding, and while Cooper privately guessed that they were just grateful somebody was crazy enough to marry her, he was really happy for Pickle. His friend saw something in Lucy's naïve approach to the world that nobody else did, and Cooper could relate to that kind of attraction. Not that Josh was anywhere near as vapid as Lucy tended to be; Josh's innocence was more wide-eyed and unspoiled, as though he had yet to experience and be jaded by all the secret horrors of the world. Only now Josh was working with street kids and he'd seen probably just about everything, and it still hadn't managed to steal all the wide-eyed charm from his features. He seemed older, yeah, five years tended to do that to people. Maybe he was a little wiser too, a little more sure of himself and what he wanted out of life.

None of that explained Josh's sudden exit from the dining room that morning, though, and until the wedding itself Cooper hadn't even caught a glimpse of his friend. In fact he'd spent most of the morning on his cell phone tying up loose ends on a botched shipment of plumbing fixtures, watching the snow fall outside the window in his room and pretending that part of him didn't wish just a little bit that they'd get snowed in. The last thing he had time for was getting stuck in the mountains waiting around for the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation to send a plow out to liberate them, but the idea of spending just a little more time watching Josh definitely appealed to him.

There was something going on with his old friend; he wasn't sure what, but he was almost positive now that Josh had been about to tell him something important when Rachel and Kristin joined them. After that Josh got quiet, and a few minutes later he was bright red and practically falling over himself in his rush to get away from them. At first Cooper had wondered if it had anything to do with Rachel, even though he knew they'd broken up years ago they were still friends from what Pickle said. So maybe Josh wanted her back, or maybe there was just some unresolved tension between them that didn't translate very well in person. Only Rachel didn't seem bothered at all by Josh's sudden mood shift, and as soon as Josh was gone both girls started looking at him even more curiously when they thought he wouldn't notice. So it had to have something to do with him, although he couldn't for the life of him figure out what. Maybe it didn't even matter, because it wasn't like he and Josh were going to keep in touch after this weekend. No matter how much he wished things were different between them.

He picked up his sparkling water and curled his fingers around the cool glass as he watched Pickle lead Lucy onto the dance floor for their first dance. All things considered he was glad that he'd decided to swallow his pride and show up to see Pickle get married, if for no other reason than to see for himself that his friend really was happy. He could put up with Josh acting weird for a few more hours, and tomorrow morning he'd be back in his car and on his way back to his life. The thought made his chest tighten a little but he ignored the sensation, swallowing a pang of regret along with a mouthful of water just as someone pulled out the chair next to him and sat down. He looked over his shoulder in time to watch Josh lean forward, their shoulders almost brushing as his former roommate smiled self-consciously.

"Hey."

"Hey," Cooper echoed, stifling the urge to wince at the surprise in his voice. He wasn't supposed to let any of them see how uncomfortable he was with this whole reunion, even if most of them had pretty much ignored him after the initial curiosity about him had worn off. "You get everything squared away at work?"

"What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, everything's fine," Josh stammered, flushing again as he realized what Cooper was talking about. That was all it took to convince Cooper that the phone call had been an excuse to get away from him that morning, but he still had no idea what was going on in Josh's head. The night before he'd held Cooper so close that for a second it felt like no time had passed at all, then the next morning he couldn't get away from Cooper fast enough. The whole weekend was starting to give him a tension headache, and he hadn't gotten one of those since he finally got over thinking his father was going to have another heart attack and die on him any second.

"It's weird, they look so happy," Cooper said, gesturing toward Pickle and Lucy in a desperate attempt to stop himself from just coming right out and asking Josh what his problem was.

Josh followed his gaze and smiled as he watched their old roommate lean up to whisper something in Lucy's ear. "Yeah, he really loves her. I mean who'd have thought out of all of us that those two would end up together."

Cooper watched them for another moment, his heart twisting a little at the normalcy of the scene in front of him. He knew that would never be him, that he'd never fall for some girl and settle down to raise another heir to the Frederickson Plumbing Empire. He also knew that was a major disappointment for his father, and he'd felt guilty enough about it in the past few years to wonder if he could make a go of it with some girl just for his family's sake. It wasn't like he was ever going to fall in love again, so what was the difference if he married some socialite? She'd get the Frederickson bank account for her trouble and his father would get a grandson. The only person that wouldn't get anything out of the deal was Cooper, and he'd already screwed up his one shot at happiness five years ago.

He didn't realize he was laughing until a hand landed on his arm, and he glanced over to find Josh watching him. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," Cooper answered, taking off his glasses long enough to wipe at his eyes. "I was just thinking how weird it is that five years ago I would have done anything to piss off my dad. You saw what I was like, I went so far out of my way to get a rise out of him that sometimes I wonder why I'm still alive. And now I'm sitting here thinking about how disappointed he must be that I'll never get married and have a kid. Who would have thought I'd ever care whether I was letting down the old man by not giving him an heir."

"How is your dad?" Josh asked when Cooper's laughter died down.

"He's okay," Cooper said, reaching for his water again before he continued. "We still argue all the time, but now it's about how to handle clients and suppliers instead of whether or not I'm wasting his money on partying. The heart attack mellowed him out a lot, mostly because he didn't really have any other choice. Besides, once he was back on his feet I was actually starting to get the hang of running the show, and I think he was just glad to see that I really wasn't as big a screw-up as I'd always tried to be. He didn't banish me to scrubbing toilets so I guess that means he's happy with the way I handle things at the office."

Josh smiled and leaned a little closer, and Cooper felt his heart skip a beat at the familiar feeling of sitting next to his best friend. He knew it was stupid to still think of Josh as his best friend after not so much as a word in five years, but the fact was that he'd probably always think of Josh that way. He'd never connected with anybody else on that level, never really cared about anyone's opinion of him the way he cared about Josh's. Sitting this close to him was dangerous, though, because it was so hard for Cooper to remember that he couldn't just reach out and touch him anymore. He wasn't sure why Josh always let him touch whenever he felt like it back when they were friends, but he knew he didn't have the right anymore.

"So you're happy?"

There was something behind the question, an almost pleading for Cooper to say just the right thing only he wasn't sure what Josh wanted to hear. It was a tricky question to answer, mostly because it was one that he wouldn't let himself think about if he could avoid it. Finally he forced himself to smile, shrugging his shoulders noncommittally as he leaned back in his chair. "Yeah, I mean I'm good at what I do. Who knew, right? But I've got a nice place, nice car, expensive friends that I never see because I'm way too busy working and I don't really like any of them anyway." He stopped just short of making a joke about missing his friends from school, knowing that would hit a little too close to the truth. He wasn't about to bare his soul for Josh, no matter how much he wanted back in his friend's life. "So yeah, I mean as happy as anybody is these days. What about you? Are you happy?"

"My job makes me happy," Josh answered, forcing himself to focus on the question and not the fact that Cooper hadn't mentioned a girlfriend. "Working with the kids, making a difference in their lives. It makes me feel good about what I do, like I'm giving something back, you know?"

Cooper nodded slowly, a wry grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Yeah, I mean I guess plumbing supplies isn't exactly making the world a better place but I know what you mean. I'm good at my job so that's what I do. If that's as close as I get to happy I guess I could be doing worse."

"So do you think finding that would make you happier?" Josh gestured in the direction of the dance floor where Pickle and Lucy and a few other couples were still moving to the music. Cooper followed his gaze, watching his friend and his new wife for a second before another couple caught his eye. He glanced over at Rachel as the guy she was dancing with leaned down to whisper something in her ear, making her laugh and stumble a little over her own feet. He looked over at Josh again to see if he was watching his ex-girlfriend and the guy Cooper didn't recognize, but when he turned back Josh was looking right at him.

"Why'd you and Rachel break up after I left?" The question escaped his lips before he could stop it, but if the subject bothered Josh he didn't show it. "I mean I always thought…I guess I just figured it'd be you two up there eventually, like Pickle and Lucy."

Josh grinned then; an amused, vaguely self-effacing sentiment that lit up his dark eyes and made Cooper wish he knew what he'd said so he could find a thousand different ways to make Josh smile that way before they had to leave in the morning. It was worth the whole trip just to have Josh look at him like that again, even if it was the last time it ever happened. "When you left…"

That was as far as he got before the chair across from them scraped noisily against the floor, and they both looked up in time to see Hank sink into the seat across from them, followed closely by Jerry. "Beware new dads bearing baby pictures," Jerry said as he sat down next to Hank, shaking his head as their friend grinned and started spreading snapshots on the table.

"Hey man, Cooper hasn't even seen the first one, and Josh hasn't seen the new baby. Just because you can't appreciate family life doesn't mean nobody can," Hank said before he turned to grin at Josh and Cooper. "You guys wanna see my kids? This is Caitlin, she's two now. Talk about a beautiful baby – looks just like her mom."

Cooper swallowed his disappointment at being interrupted again and took the picture Hank held out to him, smiling at the appropriate intervals as their friend launched into a speech about his kids. It was weird to think of one of his friends with two kids already, but as amusing as it could have been to listen to Hank brag his mind was still back on Josh's last words: _When you left…_. He'd asked about Josh and Rachel breaking up, it shouldn't have anything to do with Cooper leaving school. Still, Josh was trying to tell him something, maybe the same thing he'd been trying to tell him that morning. The force with which he wanted to know the end of that sentence frightened him almost as much as the urge to stand up and drag Josh out of the reception. He didn't care where they ended up, even if he had to lock them in a closet just to get a few minutes alone so Josh could finally finish a thought without getting interrupted.

He had a feeling that wasn't going to happen, though, especially not when a few other guys from the bar last night began making their way over. Before he knew it they were surrounded by half a dozen other guys, and Cooper only knew half of them. He'd started to feel weirdly comfortable with Josh for a few minutes there, but as the conversation shifted to some alumni thing at Daleman he was reminded of how little he really fit in with these people. He was nobody to most of them, just a guy they knew for awhile who disappeared halfway through college. It didn't matter that he'd gone home to keep his father's company afloat or even that he was more successful than any of them probably ever expected him to be. What mattered was that he wasn't a part of their shared history, not really. The guy sitting on Josh's other side had more claim to the people sitting at the table than Cooper did – his name was Jason or Jacob or something like that but Cooper didn't really give a damn who he was or what he did. All he knew was that he was the guy that moved in when Cooper moved out; the new, improved replacement roommate that stayed in touch with Josh after he graduated and obviously fit right in with all Cooper's old friends.

He knew he didn't have a right to hate the guy, not really. He didn't have any business resenting any of them, but he couldn't help it. What he wanted was to have Josh all to himself, and five years ago he wouldn't have thought twice about just taking what he wanted. One look and Josh would have followed him out of the room and back upstairs for a private conference about whatever whim had suddenly struck Cooper as a matter of life and death, and even if he pretended to be annoyed Cooper knew Josh never minded. He didn't even have to ask, he just knew because they were friends and that was what friends did for each other. Only he was never that good at the giving back part, and maybe this Jacob or Jordan or whatever the hell he called himself was better at listening when Josh needed an audience.

Maybe he was good at this friendship stuff that Cooper had always been terrible at – case in point, he'd had one real friend his whole life and he went and fell in love with him. Cooper may never have learned how to really be Josh's friend, but he knew enough about how it worked to realize that falling in love with your best friend was against the rules. At the very least it was a breech of etiquette, especially when the best friend in question was straight. He focused his energy on hating Jason/Jacob/Jordan instead of wondering what Josh had been trying to say before they got interrupted, sparing a few seconds for a quick prayer that the reception wouldn't drag on all night. If nothing else he was going to make it to the end of the weekend without humiliating himself over an ancient crush that he should have gotten out of his system years ago.

~

Josh leaned over the large, very empty bed and peered at the clock on the nightstand: 5:30 am. He groaned and fell back against the pillows, wishing that for just once in his life he could sleep past dawn. Normally it didn't really bother him that he woke up so early, he usually had to be on campus or at Cabrini House early enough that his internal clock came in handy. Today he didn't have anywhere to be until 11:00 when his train left the station, though, and he wouldn't have minded using the time to catch up on some sleep. Not to mention that most of the night he'd been plagued with less than restful dreams about Cooper and…well, vigorous activity. Sometimes it was slow and languid, then he'd wake up and force himself back to sleep only to dream about Cooper taking him hard and fast back in their dorm room.

It wasn't so much the dreams that bothered him, he was used to that by now. It was the intensity and the fact that every time he forced himself awake he'd fall right back into another dream about the object of his five-year obsession. He knew he should feel a little strange about it, embarrassed even that he was so pathetic that he still hadn't gotten over his first real love. Maybe that was the way it looked to his friends, but to him it just felt normal. Either way the point was that he still hadn't gotten a chance to really talk to Cooper, and his dreams were just another vivid reminder of all the reasons he needed to settle things between them one way or the other.

After he ran out on Cooper and the girls yesterday morning he'd felt a little childish about it, and he'd spent most of the hours before the wedding hanging around the lobby hoping Cooper would make an appearance. He never did, of course, and the next time Josh saw him he was sliding into a chair near the back of the wedding moments before the ceremony started. Josh tried to tell himself that Cooper wasn't avoiding him, that his low profile probably had a lot more to do with the fact that he wasn't sure how to act around any of them anymore. Still, Josh couldn't help wanting to know if Cooper had felt that moment of connection between them when he'd hugged him Friday night. He'd settle for just knowing that Cooper didn't hate him, or even think he was a total loser. He was disgusted by the strength of his need to find a way to get Cooper back into his life, but seeing him again after five years had made it impossible to ignore. It was almost like Pickle had dangled an unreachable carrot in front of him just to tease him in the most cruel way possible, but Pickle wouldn't do that. He just wasn't that kind of guy, no matter how much Josh wanted someone to blame.

It had been a long time since Josh questioned his own sanity. Ironically the last time had everything to do with Cooper too.

Sleep wasn't an option, so he swung his legs over the side of the bed and forced himself into a very cold shower. Not exactly his favorite way to wake up, but he was still hard from a night of way-too-vivid dreams and jerking off to them just seemed…dangerous. Like if he gave in and did it Cooper would know the minute he saw Josh; he'd take one look at the guilt on Josh's face and know what he'd been picturing all night, and whose name had been on his lips when he came. It wasn't the most irrational thought he'd ever had where Cooper was concerned, and the past 36 hours had worn on his nerves in a way he wasn't expecting.

The reception, for instance, had been a complete disaster. He'd finally worked up the courage to just come clean with Cooper, maybe not about every single detail but he was going to tell him the truth. He wanted Cooper to know how much it hurt that they weren't friends anymore, even if it did make him seem pathetic in his friend's eyes. He wanted to tell Cooper about how his mother had reacted to the news that he was gay; how she referred to it as his 'lifestyle' like he'd chosen it with the express intent of embarrassing her. How he never went home anymore and he poured himself into an internship he wasn't even getting paid for because socializing seemed like too much effort, never mind dating. He didn't even know why he wanted to confess all his most embarrassing secrets to Cooper, especially when they didn't even know each other anymore.

He still hadn't come up with an explanation for that one, but that hadn't stopped him from spending most of the wedding reception trying to come up with a way to get Cooper alone. He'd been well on his way to bearing his soul to Cooper when Hank and Jerry caught up with them. As much as he hadn't wanted all their friends to know just _how_ much he'd needed to see Cooper again, roughly twenty minutes into Hank's speech about his kids he'd found himself wishing he'd warned them all off Cooper while he had the chance. Maybe if he'd sent out one of those stupid group e-mails that they were all so fond of he would have had a shot at actually talking to Cooper for more than two minutes at a time. He laughed under the frigid spray from the shower, imagining exactly what he should have said.

_Hey guys,_

Looking forward to seeing everybody this weekend at the wedding. Congrats again, Pickle and Lucy. You guys are the best.

Say, I know everybody's looking forward to seeing Cooper again, but I was just wondering -- well, I have some things I'd like to say to him so if everybody could just leave us alone it'd be a lot easier for me to reconnect and hopefully seduce him. Thanks guys, I know I can count on you.

The funny thing was that if he'd thought of it before the wedding he might have gone through with it. It wasn't like any of them would have been surprised, they all saw him pretty much fall apart when Cooper decided not to come back to school. Every one of them had probably scraped him off a bar floor somewhere at one point or another; Rachel and Pickle got the worst of it but they both knew how he felt about Cooper and oddly enough Rachel was the one that was most insistent that he just tell Cooper. Even if he had to write a letter and risk never getting an answer she thought he should just go for it – something about closure and therapeutic purging. Of course that was five years ago when the loss was fresh and he still had a reason to drown his pain in way too much beer. If they all knew he was still carrying a torch they were at least nice enough not to bring it up, but he had a feeling a lot of them just figured he was over it.

When the cold water started to feel almost bearable against his skin he shut it off, reaching for a towel and drying off as he let his mind wander. It had been a long time since he let himself think about the way Cooper left school, and he never, _ever_ thought about those last few minutes alone in their room. He couldn't, because it was too close to everything he'd ever wanted and he wasn't sure if he'd just imagined it or not. Even now he couldn't get enough distance to remember whether or not it had happened or if it had all been part of some weird dream. And even if it did happen it could have been nothing – it was so easy to misinterpret anything Cooper did or said. Josh certainly had plenty of practice at that in the nearly two years they shared a room. He knew Cooper probably better than anyone else in the world back then, and somehow being the most important person in Cooper Frederickson's life had been enough. It didn't matter who either of them was sleeping with, they both knew who they were going home to. At least that was the way it felt to Josh at the time, even if he'd never admit it until years later.

By the time he was dressed and sprawled in a chair in front of the fireplace in the lobby he was positive he was losing his mind.

He'd dressed quickly, not bothering to dry his hair before he left his room and went downstairs in search of coffee and a respite from the disturbing memories floating through his mind. The lobby was relatively deserted; he'd found the requisite hot coffee in the dining area but most people were still asleep upstairs so he had the place more or less to himself. Still, it was better to brood in front of a crackling fire than it was to brood alone in his room. At least it was more romantic; in fact the only thing he was really missing was cold stone walls, a grotesque physical deformity and maybe a few gargoyles and he'd feel much better about his new habit of staring darkly at the nearest wall while he relived his misspent youth.

The thought struck him as vintage Cooper and he laughed, imagining what Cooper would say to him if he could read Josh's mind. He looked up self-consciously, remembering suddenly that he wasn't alone in his room anymore. His cheeks flushed as he realized that someone was watching him, but when he focused on the person in question he sat up a little straighter and his smile faded. Cooper was standing by the front desk, expensive leather overnight bag in hand, obviously checking out of the inn. He didn't look away when Josh met his gaze, but he looked almost resigned at the prospect of having to say goodbye after all. Every other thought flew out of Josh's mind as he focused on one loud, outraged voice in the back of his head chanting the same seven words over and over: _He wasn't even going to say goodbye_. It didn't matter that Cooper didn't owe him anything, or that they weren't anything to each other anymore. Well, more accurately, he wasn't anything to Cooper anymore. Cooper would always mean something to him, and even as his heart sank at the thought he knew it was true.

"You're leaving." His tone was flat, monotonous, like he was talking into a tin can attached to a string like he and his friends used to do when they were kids.

"Everybody's leaving, Josh. It's Sunday."

"Everybody else will be saying goodbye."

He was ashamed of himself for the tiny thrill he got at the look on Cooper's face, just as though Josh had reached up and smacked him square across the mouth. The part of him that wanted nothing more than to pull Cooper down on top of him and never let him go again was glad for the hurt he'd caused, though, because at least it was _some_ kind of reaction. "I've got a long drive back to Buffalo. Best to get ahead of any weather, since I'm awake there's no sense hanging around."

He sounded so defensive, like a whiny little kid who just got caught stealing out of the cookie jar. Josh's lips twisted into a not-quite-smile and he stretched languorously, sprawling his legs in front of him as he stared up at Cooper. He was starting to enjoy this Dark Lord of the Manor routine. "Sure. Whatever, Cooper." _Run back to Buffalo, you always were good at running._

"Why do you care?" Cooper looked as though he wanted to tell Josh to go to hell, but instead he dropped his bag next to the chair across from Josh's and sank into it. When he stretched his own legs out Josh had to work hard not to lean forward so their knees were touching. How pathetic that even when he wanted to lash out at Cooper for disappointing him again that he couldn't resist wanting to touch.

He settled for shrugging and glancing over at the fire, wondering how much would be pushing too far. He'd never been very good on that gray area between 'too much' and 'not enough'; as a kid growing up in the country he'd always erred on the side of caution, and when he'd finally taken that leap out of the proverbial closet he'd delved head first into every excess he could think of. "Of course I care," he finally said, as though it was a ridiculous question and Cooper should be ashamed for asking. At least six years of studying psychology had taught him how to keep his hand close and choose his words carefully. "I'm your friend. At least I was."

"That was a long time ago, Josh." It was hard to tell in the low pre-dawn light if that was a flash of hurt or barely contained irritation in Cooper's eyes, but it wasn't like Josh had anything to lose by forging ahead.

"That it was. And you didn't say goodbye the last time you left either."

"What are you talking about?" Josh raised an eyebrow at the flash of defensiveness in Cooper's tone, thankful that he was fully supported in the large chair so Cooper wouldn't see how hard he was working to keep from shaking. "I said goodbye. You were standing right there when I left."

"No, you said 'I'll be back'. You said you were going home to take care of things until your dad was better, then you'd be back."

"Jesus, Josh, I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know my dad would need a triple bypass and be laid up for months. He's doing okay now but it's still touch and go some days. If I wasn't there those first couple years he'd either be dead or the business would have folded, and then he might as well have died. You know that."

Josh swallowed the guilt that welled up as he listened to Cooper explain himself. He was right, Josh knew without having to be told exactly why he'd never come back to school. Cooper was missing his real point, though, and he wasn't sure whether to be grateful or frustrated. "That's not my point, Cooper." He let out a frustrated breath and looked away, the heat from the fire suddenly too warm against his face as he tried to find the right words to explain himself. Yesterday this had seemed so easy, like if he could have just gotten Cooper alone for ten minutes everything would have just fallen into place. He should have listened to his instincts and grabbed Cooper's arm, pulled him out of the reception and up to his room so they could just talk without the audience and all the unneeded tension. Once he saw Cooper actually trying to get out of the inn without saying goodbye to anyone something inside him snapped, and suddenly it wasn't so easy anymore to explain why he just couldn't let it go.

"Look, I know what this is about."

He was positive that Cooper was wrong, but he looked up anyway and waited for the other man to go on.

"When I first left school I was a complete asshole. To everyone. It was hard to be around me until I figured out what the hell I was doing, and by then…it just seemed like you were better off going on with your life. Happier. So when I didn't hear from you again I figured I'd just leave you alone. It wasn't like you needed me."

Just as he suspected, Cooper was wrong. Only he'd never expected Cooper to be so completely wrong about everything. "So I'm supposed to feel good about the fact that my best friend told me to stay the fuck out of his life because I turned out okay in the end?"

"I never told you…" Cooper paused as though he was scanning his memory to make sure that he'd hadn't, in fact, said those exact words. Just the thought that he didn't remember every word they'd said to each other would have been enough to push Josh over the edge if it wasn't for the fact that at the time Cooper had been too freaked out about his father to think straight. He knew what Cooper's relationship with his father was like before the heart attack, and he knew how much Cooper wanted his dad's approval even if he'd never admit it to anyone. "I didn't say that. I couldn't have."

"You didn't use those words," Josh conceded. "Actually the last thing you said to me was that you'd let me know when things calmed down at home. So I'm guessing life in Buffalo is still pretty hectic."

This so wasn't the way he'd wanted this to go; this wasn't what he'd planned all those times he'd found himself fantasizing about the things he'd say to Cooper when he saw him again. His fantasies were filled with much kinder sentiments, things like 'I miss you' and 'can we please just go back to best friends because I really need you'. Sometimes, when he was feeling really drained and he just didn't have the energy to stop himself, he even let his mind wander to words like 'I love you'. Never in any of his made-up scenarios had he set out to accuse Cooper of abandoning him, but he wasn't that surprised to hear the words tumbling out of his mouth or the bitter tone in which they were said. There was a lot to be said for repression and pent-up anger, after all, and five years was a long time.

So in his fantasies he and Cooper would be a lot closer and doing a lot less talking by now, but this was reality and reality almost never went the way he wanted it to. In reality Cooper looked less like someone had just declared undying love to him and a lot like someone had just punched him in the stomach. "Josh, I'm sorry."

It was so simple, so _heartfelt_ coming from Cooper that Josh's heart broke just a little bit more. He used to think he'd probably get a sick little thrill out of having Cooper apologize to him, but now it just twisted his heart in a way that made it hard to breathe. He wanted to take it all back, erase the last ten minutes and start over at the beginning. He wanted to rewind the scene until Cooper was still standing at the check-out desk, so Josh could get up and walk over to him and take the leather bag out of his hand. He wanted to take Cooper's hand in his own and lead him back up the stairs, to Josh's room where they could have a very different conversation without fear of interruption. It was too late, though – even if he was sure that Cooper wanted that too he knew it was too late to take anything back.

"I don't need an apology," he said, his voice barely a whisper. His cheeks burned as he listened to himself sounding more or less exactly like he did when he was seven and his father was screaming at him for something he didn't do. "I just...you were wrong, Cooper. We were best friends, we needed each other. I would have been there – for your dad's heart attack – for everything. I tried to be there, so did Pickle. Maybe I should have tried harder when you said you didn't want our help, maybe then it wouldn't have taken five years to have this conversation."

He forced himself to stand up, not bothering to try to stop his fingers from shaking as he reached for his wallet and pulled out a small white card. He took a few steps forward and held it out to Cooper, forcing himself to hold Cooper's gaze as Cooper reached out and took the card. "If you ever want to give me a call…" He trailed off and looked away, then shrugged and looked back again. "You know, if you want to talk about anything."

Cooper stared at the card without answering, and Josh swallowed around the lump in his throat and took a few more steps in the direction of the stairs. Before he got past Cooper's chair a hand shot out and closed around his, and his heart skipped a beat as he looked down and found Cooper watching him. "Why did you break up with Rachel after I left?"

A sad grin tugged at the corners of Josh's mouth as Cooper pulled his hand away. He thought about just leaving the question unanswered, giving Cooper a reason to call him. If curiosity got the better of him he might give in eventually and pick up the phone…but Josh still had a little pride left. He took a deep breath and glanced toward the stairs, the weight of Cooper's gaze making him even warmer than the roaring fire in front of them. "I was in love with somebody else."

~

Two days. Well, three days really since Josh said _I was in love with somebody else_. Just like that, like it should have been obvious. Then he just walked away, leaving Cooper more or less paralyzed in his chair for the better part of half an hour before he finally remembered himself and forced his legs to carry him out to his car. What he really wanted to do was go back upstairs, bang on every door if he had to until he found Josh again. He wanted to know _who_ Josh fell in love with, who could steal his heart from what everyone on campus thought was the perfect relationship. He didn't know one person that didn't think Josh and Rachel would get married eventually…okay, their friends all thought he and Josh were sleeping together but that didn't really count. That was just a series of misunderstandings – accidents, really. Everybody else assumed that Josh and Rachel would end up together.

At least he always had, but now he wasn't sure if he'd even known Josh at all. He felt like someone had reached into his memory and torn away all traces of his best friend, replacing them with this person that looked like Josh and sounded like Josh but was so completely different from the Josh he thought he knew that Cooper didn't even recognize him. Or maybe it was still his Josh, only there was more to him now. Like turning on a light and realizing that the room you thought was so small had a whole extra side you couldn't see until now. He'd spent the past two days staring at the card Josh gave him, trying to convince himself to just leave the past in the past where it belonged. It was too late now, too much had happened and he and Josh were different people than they were five years ago.

Only wasn't that why he went to the wedding in the first place? Hadn't he made the five-hour drive just to see if there was anything between him and Josh or if he'd been imagining it this whole time? And when he'd reached out without even thinking and grabbed Josh's hand on Sunday morning, he could have sworn that he could actually feel Josh's fingers struggling not to curl around his. It was the same exact feeling as that day…those few seconds five years ago that he'd spent all this time telling himself was just wishful thinking. He remembered exactly what he'd said when it was just him and Josh alone in their dorm room for the last time, before the driver showed up to take him and his things back to Buffalo.

He'd told Josh that he was coming back, that he just had to go home for awhile and take care of a few things but he'd be back. He'd wanted to believe it so much that he'd practically begged Josh to believe it too, to lie if he had to just so they wouldn't have to say goodbye. At the time he'd been grateful that Josh hadn't seen what must have been written all over his face: that Cooper loved him, that even though he knew he probably wasn't coming back he couldn't let go, and that he needed…something to get through the next few days, only he wasn't sure what he was asking for.

Josh had known, though; Josh always seemed to know even when Cooper didn't, and he'd pulled Cooper into a hug just like the one in the bar the night before Pickle's wedding. The same tight embrace, only that first time Josh's hands were in his hair like he'd just woken up from a nightmare. He'd pressed his face into Josh's neck and murmured something that wasn't even English but meant something all the same, and when his lips had brushed Josh's neck he hadn't pulled away. He hadn't reacted or even said anything about it, and it was all over so fast that Cooper was sure he hadn't really gone through with it. Only there was that nagging memory of the way Josh's skin felt against his lips, and when Josh had hugged him in the bar and then brushed his lips across Cooper's ear…it was all too similar, too close to the truth he'd been avoiding for five years.

He wasn't even sure how he'd made it home from Pennsylvania without wrapping his car around a tree; the entire trip was a blur because he'd spent the whole time thinking about the fact that Josh had been in love with someone else when he left Daleman. It was the same thought he'd been obsessing about for the past two days, and now that he was in his old bedroom at his parents' house his brain was waging a war with his heart over whether or not to call Josh. He was supposed to be downstairs at a New Year's Eve party, but the thought of making small talk with 100 of his parents' closest friends made his stomach turn. So he'd slipped up the stairs and locked himself in his old room, which wasn't really much better than being downstairs but at least he was alone with his obsession.

The only problem with being alone was that it made the urge to call Josh even stronger, and the fact that he'd had the card in his pocket at all times since he left the inn wasn't helping. It was New Year's Eve, Josh probably wasn't even home. For all Cooper knew he had a date tonight, and he was at some party just like the one Cooper was dodging with a girl on his arm and a few drinks already warming the blood in his veins. So it wouldn't hurt to call and leave a message on Josh's machine, that way the ball would be in his court and Cooper could stop thinking about it. If Josh didn't call him back he'd have his answer, and he could get back to the business of existing without wondering what Josh was doing every three seconds.

He nodded at the logic of that plan and pulled out his cell phone, sinking onto the bed and dialing the number. The phone rang twice before the line connected, and he braced himself for the sound of Josh's voice tainted by some low-quality recording device. The sound that traveled to his ear was rich and warm and all too real, however, and Cooper closed his eyes as panic flooded his system. "Hello?"

"Josh. It's Cooper." He forced the words out around the ball of fear at the pit of his stomach, the only thing stopping him from falling backwards the thought that he Could Not lie in bed while he talked to Josh. "What are you doing home?"

"You called expecting me to be out?" The hint of amusement in Josh's voice made him smile in spite of the fact that he was pretty sure he'd inherited his father's bad heart genes after all.

"No, I mean…it's just…New Year's. You know, everybody goes out for New Year's." And people wondered why he didn't make time in his life for dating.

"So you're calling me from some fabulous society party to rub it in or something?"

"No. Well, sort of, but not…" He paused, took a deep breath, and tried again. "Actually I'm at my parents' place, they're having a party downstairs so I'm upstairs."

"Catching up on your phone calls."

"You could say that."

Josh laughed then, a genuine sound that made several parts of Cooper's anatomy jump. He smiled as a little of the tension flowed out of him, thankful that at least he didn't appear to have ruined _everything_ between them.

"Well if you really want to know, I'm not that big a fan of New Year's. It's one of those couples holidays, what with all the kissing at midnight and everything. Not really my scene."

Cooper was irrationally pleased at the thought of Josh sitting at home alone on New Year's Eve, so much so that he couldn't work up the energy to feel guilty about Josh's loneliness. "Makes sense to me."

There was a long pause while Cooper listened to Josh breathing on the other end of the line, then finally Josh cleared his throat and Cooper realized neither of them was talking. "So what'd you call to tell my machine?"

"What? Oh. I was just…I've gotta be in Boston next week on business. So I was thinking maybe we could get together, have lunch or something. If you're interested." He flushed and snapped his mouth shut, rolling his eyes at himself. Why'd he have to use the word 'interested'? He was 25 years old and he couldn't ask a simple question without sounding like a nervous teenager, and Josh was supposed to believe this was the same guy he lived with for two years?

"What days will you be in town?"

"I get in Tuesday night and I head out again on Thursday. I've got an afternoon flight on Thursday and all my meetings are on Wednesday, so I was thinking we could hook up on Thursday if you're not busy." Great, now he'd said 'hook up'. Asking Josh out had never been this hard the million other times he'd done it, all he had to do was tell Josh he didn't want to drink alone and the next thing he knew they were at the bar together. This shouldn't be any different than setting up a business lunch, but the stakes were completely different when it came to Josh.

There was another pause and the sound of papers rustling, then Josh's voice in his ear again. "Thursday's good, I'm not on at work until evening and I'll be done on campus by 11:00."

"Great…I mean good, that's per—…that'll work. I'm staying downtown but I can come over to campus if it's easier for you. Just tell me where."

He reached for a pen and prayed he'd be able to read the directions Josh was rattling off once he was done writing them down, his heart pounding too loud against his ears at the thought of seeing Josh in a little over a week. In seven days they'd be in the same city, and in nine days they'd be face to face again. It almost seemed a shame not to see Josh the night he got into town, but he didn't want to seem as anxious as he was. And anyway Josh probably had a life, it wasn't like he could just drop everything to entertain Cooper whenever he had a few minutes between meetings. "Sounds good," he said when Josh finished talking. "So I'll see you next Thursday."

"Yeah, see you then. Happy New Year, Cooper."

Warmth spread through Cooper at the sound of the words, almost as though Josh had reached through the phone and touched him. He glanced at the clock and smiled when he realized that in a few minutes it really would be New Year's. "Happy New Year, Josh. See you soon."

He hung up the phone and fell back on the mattress with a muffled thud, grinning crazily at the ceiling he hadn't thought of as his own in years. Nine days. He knew work would keep him busy enough for the next week to make the time fly, but as he stared up at the ceiling in his parents' house he couldn't help feeling like nine days was an eternity.

~

By the time Thursday actually rolled around Josh was pretty sure his headache was never, ever going away. He'd been driving himself crazy for the last week just trying _not_ to think about seeing Cooper again, but trying to force himself to concentrate on work instead of their lunch date had pretty much amounted in a headache and not a whole lot of work getting done. Thankfully his dissertation was already done and just sitting in committee or he'd be in real trouble; the amount of reports he was supposed to be done with already was bad enough without adding his entire academic career to the list of things he was blowing off in the name of obsessing about Cooper.

It wasn't even a date, even though his brain stubbornly refused to stop using that word. They were just having lunch, which wasn't even as much of a commitment as dinner. Cooper was squeezing him in between meetings and his flight out of town because. . .well, he hadn't come up with an actual reason but he was sure it was because Cooper felt guilty. That was the only explanation that made sense – certainly far more sense that his other, favorite explanation. He wouldn't even let himself wonder if Cooper had purposely decided to fly back late so he'd have time to see Josh, because if he started thinking like that he'd never get through lunch.

He was already sitting at a table near the back of the restaurant when Cooper walked in, fidgeting with his silverware as he told himself he wasn't going to do anything to embarrass himself. It was bad enough that he'd pretty much guilted Cooper into calling him; part of him thought he should just let Cooper off the hook when he called, but the part of him that was sure there was something between them wouldn't let him.

There were a lot of things he'd done wrong, starting with letting Cooper push him out of his life when that turned out to be the last thing either of them wanted. At least he thought Cooper felt that way, it was getting harder and harder to separate fact from all the wishful thinking he'd been doing since he saw Cooper again. Second-guessing the impulse to kiss Cooper when he had the chance was another one, whether he had to do it in front of every one of their friends or not. If Cooper was in the least attracted to him he wouldn't have cared who was watching, and if he wasn't. . .well, the humiliation would have been the same whether he'd gone for it in a crowd or waited until they were alone.

What it all boiled down to was an extremely nervous Josh sitting at a table in the back of his favorite Greek restaurant watching Cooper walk toward him. He had no idea how to act, whether to stand up and hug Cooper or shake his hand or even if he should risk any sort of physical contact. His imagination had been working overtime trying to convince him that he wasn't imagining the way Cooper looked at him when he grabbed Josh's hand back at that inn, and he was afraid if they so much as shook hands that he'd lose all control over himself. Which was a really scary and entirely plausible prospect, because Josh could very easily imagine himself grabbing Cooper and kissing him in front of a roomful of strangers.

When Cooper did finally reach the table he hesitated for a second like he was waiting for something, then he laughed a little and pulled out the chair across from Josh. "This is. . ."

"Yeah." Josh smiled self-consciously as he interrupted Cooper, but he wasn't sure he could stand to hear the word 'weird' come out of Cooper's mouth. He was right, it was uncomfortable, but drawing attention to it wasn't going to help either of them. Besides, he'd waited in vain for two days to get Cooper alone for a few minutes, and now that the opportunity had finally presented itself he wasn't going to screw it up again. "So how'd everything go yesterday?"

"Really well, actually, but the details would bore you to tears." Cooper grinned and picked up the menu in front of him, giving Josh a chance to study his features without detection. He looked more polished than he had at Daleman, he'd always dressed the part of the spoiled rich kid but now he really looked like a professional. An expensively dressed professional with impeccable taste, whereas Josh was still wearing jeans with his ties whenever he could get away with it. It was another one of the perks of working with kids; suits had always made him feel like he was dressing up in someone else's clothes so he avoided them whenever possible. Cooper in a suit looked. . .well, like Cooper only grown up.

"I'm sure it's not that boring. It's good to see you enjoying working with your dad after all."

That earned him another grin to store away in his memory, and he picked up his own menu even though he already knew what he was having just to give him something to do with his hands. It amazed him how hard it was not to reach across the table and touch Cooper, just brush his fingers over Cooper's knuckles or the edge of his wrist to make sure he was really there.

"So you thinking about looking for a job here in Boston?" Cooper asked, picking up his water glass and watching Josh over the rim as he took a sip.

Josh shook his head, more to snap himself out of the direction his thoughts had taken than in answer to the question. "No. I mean I like it here and all but I'm not hell-bent on staying. If I get an offer somewhere else I'll definitely be open to it."

Cooper nodded and opened his mouth to answer, but before he got the words out their waitress appeared to take their order. Once she'd written down their order and disappeared again Cooper leaned a little further across the table, fixing Josh with a curious gaze. "So you never really said exactly why you're not thinking about going back to Indiana."

The vague thought that this was what people meant by 'moment of truth' crossed Josh's mind as he met Cooper's steady gaze. "My mother – the whole town, really – has a problem with what she calls my 'lifestyle'. I haven't dated a girl in five years and she's still hoping it's a phase, so I don't go deal with it any more than I have to."

He hadn't really been going for shock value – well, maybe a little – but if he had been he definitely wouldn't have been disappointed. It was subtle, just a momentary widening of the eyes and Cooper's face flushing so slightly that he had to look closely to notice. Cooper looked away and cleared his throat before turning back to him again, and when he did he was the picture of composure again. "So she's hoping you'll grow out of being gay?"

"I guess." Josh shrugged and picked up the soda the waitress had deposited in front of him. "I don't think she really gets it beyond the fact that in the town I grew up in it's a bad thing. Rachel was pretty much my last-ditch effort at trying to convince myself I could be straight. I hung in there for a long time," he added with a wry grin. "Felt like shit when I finally told her the truth, but she took it pretty well. Once she stopped throwing things and yelling about the two years of her life that I wasted."

"Wow. . .that's. . .I'm sorry, Josh. That really sucks, I always figured your mom was the type to be in your corner no matter what."

He wasn't sure how he'd been expecting Cooper to react, but he decided to take the fact that he was still sitting across the table as a good sign. "It was hard at first, but Pickle and Rachel, believe it or not, were really great. They helped me see that feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to solve anything."

"Yeah, but your own mom. . .I mean even my mom just avoids talking about my love life. Of course she pretty much avoids talking to me about anything, so I guess that doesn't prove whether or not it bothers her that I play for both teams."

That wasn't what he was expecting at all; not that it shocked him particularly that Cooper was bisexual, but the fact that he'd just said it like Josh should already know that about him kind of threw him. Maybe he just assumed Pickle had told everyone that piece of gossip, but their former roommate was extremely closed-mouthed on the subject of Cooper's personal life. For a long time Josh just assumed that Pickle was trying to save him the heartache, but after awhile he'd decided Pickle didn't know anything.

"Huh. And here I thought you'd find some debutante that would make you miserable for the rest of your life." Okay, maybe that was a little too much honesty, but the words had escaped his lips before Josh could stop them. He knew he was fishing and he knew it was obvious, but he wasn't sure he could live through the next hour without at least some idea of where he stood.

"Somebody for my mother to go shopping with? I wouldn't give her the satisfaction," Cooper said, but Josh just caught the hint of something else behind the amusement in his friend's expression.

"So how come you never dated any guys in college?" Josh asked. If he could have kicked himself for saying it out loud without drawing Cooper's attention he would have, but it was too late to take it back.

Cooper shrugged and looked out the window next to their table, his eyes clouding briefly before he blinked and turned back to Josh. "I didn't bring any guys home in college, doesn't mean I never went out with one. I didn't want to freak you out. If I'd known. . ."

He trailed off as their waitress appeared next to their table, setting their food down in front of them. It felt to Josh like it took her hours to finally go away again, and the whole time he waited he played out the possible endings of that sentence in his head. Cooper could have been about to say he wouldn't have worried about bringing them back to the dorm, or maybe just that he wouldn't have tried to keep it a secret. Josh wouldn't let himself think that Cooper was going to say that if he'd known he would have wanted Josh himself. There was no reason to think that, no matter how much he wanted it to be true.

When the waitress left Cooper didn't offer an explanation, though, and Josh was afraid that if he asked for one he'd sound too much like he was hoping to hear a specific answer. They ate in relative silence, exchanging pleasantries about the food and any other polite subject either of them could come up with. Part of Josh was thrilled at this turn of events; finally knowing that Cooper could possibly be attracted to him was like having a weight lifted off his chest, but the awkwardness that settled over them after Cooper admitted to dating guys in college made him nervous. He tried not to think too hard about _which_ guys exactly Cooper had dated in college, but he was dying to know what Cooper's type was.

"Is that why you were so upset when we thought Cliff died?" he asked suddenly, turning the color of the tomatoes on his salad when he heard the question come out of his mouth.

"What? No. . .God, no," Cooper answered, practically choking on a mouthful of water.

"Sorry. It's just that you were really freaked out when we heard he died, and there were the nightmares. So you two weren't. . .you know. . ." He gestured vaguely with his hands in the universal sign for 'I'm too chicken shit to come right out and ask if you were fucking him'.

"No," Cooper said again, a little more forcefully this time and with a slightly hysterical laugh. "God, Josh. I felt guilty when he bought it, that's all. Then he turned out to not even be dead, that's when the nightmares stopped."

Josh nodded and looked back down at his salad only to look up sharply when Cooper's last words sank into his already overloaded brain. "No they didn't. The nightmares went on for months after Cliff showed up alive. I remember, even after he came back you still woke up in a cold sweat at least three times a week for the rest of the semester."

Cooper swallowed guiltily and poked at the pasta on his plate with his fork. "Oh yeah? Guess I remembered wrong."

"How could you forget? They lasted all year. . .wait a second. Tell me you weren't faking it that whole time."

"No." Cooper looked up then, guilt tempering his serious expression. "I wasn't, I swear. I just. . .I kinda lied about what the nightmares were about, exactly."

"Why?" If Josh wasn't so nervous about the answer he might have taken the time to appreciate the look of guilt on Cooper's face, but as it was he was clutching his fork so hard he could barely feel his fingers.

Cooper flushed and looked down at his plate, and when he looked up again his smile was so tentative that it was everything Josh could do not to pull him out of his chair and kiss him until he couldn't breathe. "Because they were about you. I kept dreaming that night at the bridge, only in my dreams you always jumped. I didn't want you to feel bad, so I just said they were about Cliff."

"You had a recurring nightmare about me jumping off the bridge?"

"Yeah." Cooper took a deep breath and set his fork down. "You were – are – the best friend I've ever had, Josh. I really thought I was gonna lose you that night. All that stuff I said, I meant every word of it. Still do, even though we haven't exactly been close lately." He paused and flashed Josh a wry grin, making Josh's heart skip a beat and then lodge directly in his throat. "Look, Josh, I'm sorry about the way I acted when I left Daleman. I was a total bastard and I don't deserve it, but. . .can we just be friends again?"

Friends. When he got to the restaurant he'd been telling himself that that was all he wanted, but after less than an hour it didn't seem like nearly enough. Still, it was a start, and if it meant keeping Cooper in his life he'd take it. "Yeah, Cooper. We never stopped."

He was rewarded with a grateful, almost relieved smile, and he followed Cooper up as his friend reached for the bill. "Let me get it," Josh said automatically, although he was pretty sure it was a losing battle.

"Forget it, I can put it in my expense report anyway," Cooper answered, reaching for his wallet.

"Alright." Josh took a deep breath and waited until Cooper found the credit card he was looking for before he continued, hoping to God he wasn't making a huge mistake. "You realize this means you have to let me buy you dinner when I'm in Buffalo."

"When are you coming to Buffalo?" The look on Cooper's face reassured Josh that he hadn't made a huge error in judgment, and he grinned as he reached for his jacket and slid it back on.

"I've got an interview out there in a couple weeks. A new, privately funded shelter that's looking for a young staff to get the program going. It'll be getting in on the ground floor so the money will suck but it'll be worth it to build the program from the bottom up." He paused as he realized he'd just told Cooper a lot more information than he asked for, but the rapt look on his friend's face encouraged him to continue. "I fly in on the 24th and leave on the 26th."

Cooper's smile faded and Josh felt his stomach twist, praying that Cooper was just going to say he'd be out of town that weekend. It would be a disappointment not to be able to see him, but it would be a thousand times better than Cooper coming up with some lame excuse to back out of their friendship when they'd just started things up again.

"Were you gonna tell me about this? I mean, if I hadn't come to Boston this week, would you have looked me up?"

"I was waiting to see how lunch went." Josh shrugged self-consciously, ignoring the fact that his explanation sounded a little too much like 'I wasn't sure if you _liked_ me liked me'. "If you hadn't called at all…I don't know. Maybe."

"God, Josh, I'm sorry," Cooper said, although Josh wasn't sure he even knew what he was apologizing for.

"Forget it," Josh answered, forcing himself to smile as brightly as he could manage. He didn't want to go back down that road, not now. Not when everything was finally starting to look up. Once the bill was paid he followed Cooper out of the restaurant, lingering on the sidewalk as he waited for Cooper to say something.

When his friend turned to him again Josh was stunned at how much older he really looked out in the daylight – they were only 25, but between Cooper's business suit and all the responsibility he'd been saddled with over the past few years he looked older than that. Then he smiled and the sentiment instantly chased years out of his features, and Josh found himself looking back at the reckless kid he'd fallen in love with seven years ago.

"Thanks for lunch."

"Any time," Cooper answered, shifting his briefcase to his other hand as he took a step forward. Josh didn't even think before he moved to meet the other man, opening his arms and pulling Cooper into them without missing a beat. He closed his eyes as Cooper held him tight, breathing in the fresh scent of shampoo and a hint of expensive cologne. Cooper's face was buried in his neck, and he couldn't help the shiver that rolled through him as he found himself falling into a memory he never let himself relive. Five years ago, the last time Cooper held him like this and promised that they'd always be best friends and that he'd come back. And suddenly he just knew that he hadn't imagined any of it, not the barely-there press of lips against his skin or the way Cooper had held him just a second or two longer than he needed to.

"Call me about your flight information," Cooper murmured against his neck, sending fresh shivers up Josh's spine as warm breath hit his skin. "I'll pick you up at the airport. You can stay with me if you want, I've got plenty of room."

"Thanks," Josh answered, not even hesitating for a second before he decided that staying with Cooper was quite possibly the best idea he'd ever heard. He didn't want to let go, maybe not ever because he was afraid if he did this moment would fade in his memory and he'd spend the rest of his life wondering if this, too, had been a dream. Finally he had to pull away, though, if only because they were standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk blocking traffic. "Thanks for making the time, Cooper. I know you're busy."

A mischievous grin tugged at the corners of Cooper's mouth as he stepped out of Josh's arms and smoothed imaginary wrinkles out of the front of his wool overcoat. "It's not that much trouble to change a flight, Josh."

He was still laughing when Cooper pulled open the door of a waiting cab and disappeared.

~

'Nervous' wasn't an emotion Cooper ever expected to get used to, but every time he thought about Josh lately that was exactly how he felt. The worst part was that it didn't even bother him; he was standing in the airport actually waiting to pick someone up for the first time in his life and he didn't even mind the butterflies in his stomach or the way his palms had suddenly decided to sweat. He didn't pick people up at the airport – his company had drivers for that, people to hold up a sign and wait around for the luggage and then drive whoever it was back to the office or Cooper's townhouse depending on what kind of visit it was. He didn't even pick up Pickle the couple of times his job as a computer programmer had brought him through town, arranging instead for a car to be ready for Pickle to use while he was in Buffalo.

Pickle always insisted that he'd just go to Enterprise and rent a car, that the company paid for it and it was no big deal. Cooper made the arrangements anyway, because that was what you did for friends. At least that's what he used to think until Josh called him and told him what time his flight arrived. There was no way he was sending a driver to pick Josh up and bring him back to the townhouse to wait for Cooper like he was some weekend fling, or bring him to the office like he was a client. No, Cooper had screwed up this thing with Josh enough before he even realized they had a 'thing' to screw up, he wasn't about to do anything else to jeopardize it now.

None of that prepared him for the way his stomach lurched when Josh stepped off the plane, tall and more solid than he'd been in college and grinning in a way that told Cooper Josh was just as nervous as he was. This time there was no talking, no hesitation, just arms and chests and soft, barely perceptible sighs of something like relief as Josh pulled Cooper into his arms. It was strange to think that just a month ago they weren't even speaking, especially considering how right it felt to have Josh's arms around him. He still couldn't believe he'd forgotten that, or rather that he'd talked himself out of remembering it. When they finally let go Cooper reached for Josh's bag, but he swung it back out of reach.

"Any more luggage?" Cooper asked, eyeing the old nylon gym bag dubiously.

"It's just a weekend," Josh reminded him. "I've got everything I need in here."

"Please don't tell me you actually packed a suit in that bag," Cooper said, rolling his eyes at the look Josh shot him. "You are here for a job interview, right?"

"It's not that kind of interview. Not exactly, anyway. Since when did you get to be so. . ."

"Responsible?"

"I was going to say domestic."

Cooper grinned affectionately, resting his hand on the small of Josh's back to steer him in the direction of the parking garage. "The car's this way."

Half an hour later Cooper pulled into his garage and turned off the engine, reaching into the back seat and grabbing Josh's 'luggage' before his friend could stop him. He made a mental note to have a decent set of luggage sent to Josh so he couldn't refuse it and led the way into his townhouse. "Come on in, make yourself comfortable. It's still a little bare, I don't spend a lot of time here."

"Still out partying every night?" Josh asked. Cooper raised an eyebrow at the vaguely accusatory tone of Josh's voice, shaking his head as he led the way to the guest bedroom.

"Working. Pretty much all I ever do, I got into the habit when Pop was still out of commission and I guess I haven't found a good reason to slow down yet." He set Josh's bag down on the dresser and looked around the room almost regretfully. "It's not much, but it's cheaper than a hotel around here and I can guarantee the sheets are clean."

"Cooper, this room is bigger than my entire apartment. It's fine," Josh said, shaking his head at Cooper's idea of 'not much'. "I really appreciate you letting me stay."

"My pleasure." As soon as he said it Cooper cleared his throat and looked away, hoping it hadn't sounded as suggestive to Josh as it did to him. It wasn't so much that he thought Josh would mind him flirting, but he didn't want his best friend to think that he owed him something for offering him a place to stay. Even if what they had never went past friendship Cooper didn't want to lose Josh again, so he was willing to do whatever it took to make sure he didn't screw it up. "Anyway, I figured we could go grab some dinner if you're hungry. Or we can order in if you're tired."

"I don't want to hold you up if you've got work to do. It's really great of you to put me up like this, but I don't want to get in your way."

Something about Josh's expression tugged at Cooper's heart in a different way than he was used to, and it was a struggle not to overplay his hand before he was sure he and Josh were on the same page. The last thing he wanted to do was come clean about how he'd felt all this time only to find out that Josh wasn't interested; not only would that make for a very uncomfortable weekend, but he wasn't sure they could stay friends if Josh didn't feel the same way and above all he wanted to keep Josh in his life. What he really wanted to say was that there was no way Josh could ever be in his way, that the only reason Cooper worked so hard was because it was the only way he could stop thinking about Josh for a little while. He wanted to cross the room and pull Josh back into his arms and just hold on until he was sure Josh wasn't going anywhere. He couldn't do any of that, though, so he settled for a shaky laugh.

"You're not in the way, Josh. I asked you to stay. So what do you say, you want a tour of the Buffalo nightlife or would you rather hang out here?" And God, he was hoping Josh would say he didn't want to go out, because Cooper didn't want to share him. He wanted to be selfish with Josh's time, with his presence and his attention, just for tonight. Tomorrow they could go back to the real world, Josh could go to his interview and then Cooper would spend the afternoon showing him whatever it took to convince him that Buffalo was the best place in the world to live. Tonight, though, he wanted it to be just them.

"Actually if you don't mind I should probably make it an early night. My interview's early and I don't want to look like hell when I get there." Josh smiled almost nervously and Cooper's heart skipped a beat, his stomach fluttering in an all-too-familiar way as he tried unsuccessfully to convince himself that the fact that Josh didn't want to go out didn't mean anything.

"Whatever you want," Cooper said, part of him hoping that Josh would take him at his word. It was so unreal, so unexpected to have Josh standing in his house after all this time and he knew he'd do anything to make sure he came back.

"Thanks, Cooper. You mind if I take a shower? I spent most of the day chasing kids around a basketball court and I didn't have time to go home before my flight."

Cooper swallowed convulsively at the thought of Josh in his shower, tearing his gaze away from the other man as he gestured in the direction of his own bedroom. "Yeah. . .sure, knock yourself out. Use the shower in the master bathroom, there are towels and stuff in there. I haven't got anything in this one, I don't have a lot of houseguests."

"Thanks," Josh repeated, backing out of the guestroom and down the hall as Cooper slowly made his way toward the kitchen. He took his coat off and dropped it on the back of a kitchen chair, reaching for the phone and trying to clear his mind of Josh long enough to remember how to dial. A few minutes ago he'd known the restaurant he was going to call, he had a plan for how tonight was supposed to go and he wasn't going to do anything to screw it up. Not even ten minutes after he got Josh alone he'd come so close to opening his mouth, though, and now he was terrified that he'd never make it through the weekend without pushing Josh away for good. He sighed and dialed his favorite Chinese place with shaky fingers, promising himself he wasn't going to do anything else that could cost him his best friend.

Half an hour later Josh reappeared, his hair damp and curling around his ears. His skin was still flushed from the water and Cooper barely managed to stifle a tortured groan when his friend met his gaze and smiled almost shyly. "That is an amazing shower," Josh said, evoking an indulgent grin from Cooper.

"Part of the reason I bought the place. That and the fact that it's three blocks from my office."

"You showered here before you bought it?"

Cooper chuckled and pulled open his fridge, his smile fading as he realized how long it had been since he went anywhere near a grocery store. "No. I had the place inspected, though, and the lack of one of those energy-efficient low-flow deals on the shower was a major selling point."

"So I just compromised the ecosystem to take the best shower of my life. I feel so much better."

"If it makes you feel any better I'm usually in such a hurry that I'm in and out of there in under five minutes. So the environment's probably not in too much danger from my shower. I don't have any beer but I can run out if you want. I've got water, orange juice, and there might still be a bottle of Scotch in one of the cabinets."

"Wow, you really have changed." Cooper glanced up from the dismal contents of the fridge at the comment, but the look on Josh's face wasn't disappointment or even disapproval. "Sorry, it's just that somehow when I pictured you after college there was a fully stocked bar and a lot more people around."

He pulled two bottles of water out of the fridge and passed one to Josh, twisting the cap off his before he answered. "I guess back in college that was how I saw my future too. If I ever thought about the future, which I didn't do a whole lot of. Once I saw my dad in that hospital room the first time, though – I don't know, it was like that was my future flashing in front of me. And once he got better and the doctors put him on this strict diet. . .any time he even sees me _near_ a drink I get a lecture about my health." He shrugged and flashed a self-conscious grin at Josh before continuing. "Maybe he figures if I'm not gonna have a kid to carry on the family name that he has to make sure I stick around as long as possible."

"You don't have to marry some debutante to raise kids, you know."

"That's not something I'd want to do on my own."

"So you're never planning to find somebody you could spend the rest of your life with?" Josh set his water on the counter as he asked the question, his voice soft but clear in the otherwise silent kitchen. Without warning the room was infused with an almost palpable energy, and Cooper found himself moving forward before he could stop it. He was halfway to Josh when the doorbell rang, snapping him out of the trance Josh's steady gaze had put him under.

"I ordered Chinese," Cooper said, his voice a little rough as he dropped his gaze and reached for his wallet. "Hope that's okay." He brushed past Josh, ignoring the small shock that traveled down his arm when his shoulder brushed against the other man's. By the time he'd paid for the food and turned back toward the kitchen Josh was already in the living room, setting silverware on the coffee table. Cooper took a deep breath and crossed to the couch, sinking onto the soft leather next to Josh and focusing on their dinner so he wouldn't have to look at his friend. "Hope you still like Lo Mein."

"You remember that?" Josh laughed softly, shaking his head as Cooper glanced over at him.

"Yeah, sure. It was your favorite, right?"

Josh nodded as he took the container Cooper offered him. "Still is. Guess that makes me pretty predictable."

"Nothing wrong with finding something you like and sticking with it," Cooper answered, his eyes glued to the Cashew Chicken he knew he wasn't going to be able to eat. He couldn't remember a time when he'd ever been this unsure of himself; back in college he'd been the fearless one, the one that rushed headlong into any situation and dragged Josh along for the ride. Josh was the one that was supposed to be fated to a lifetime of ulcers and worrying endlessly about stuff that wouldn't make a difference in the long run. Sitting next to Josh on his couch with their knees pressed together was doing things to him he wasn't sure medical science could explain, though, and he was starting to worry that Scotch and too much partying wasn't going to be the death of him after all.

He wasn't sure how long the silence stretched on, but the next time he looked up he found Josh leaning back a little on the couch, his expression unguarded as he watched Cooper. Something about the look in Josh's eyes made him swallow hard, and he set his untouched dinner back on the coffee table before he turned to his friend. "That weekend in Pennsylvania. . .you said you and Rachel broke up because you were in love with somebody else."

"Cooper. . ."

He heard the warning in Josh's voice but he shook his head, telling himself that if he didn't do this now there was no way he was ever going to work up the nerve again. "Who was it?"

"Don't, Cooper, okay? I can't. . .we shouldn't do this. Not now."

"Why?" Cooper was barely aware of the fact that he was moving, inching impossibly closer to the warm body next to him as he searched Josh's eyes for the truth. He knew he was trampling all over his plans to keep his feelings to himself, but Josh was the one that brought it up a month ago and Cooper hadn't said anything about his own feelings yet. He just wanted to know who it was that finally stirred Josh's heart so much that he was willing to risk losing his family and everything he'd ever known back home. "Josh, it's okay. Whoever it was, I mean. . ."

That was as far as he got, the rest of his sentence dying on his lips as Josh leaned forward. He saw a flash of desire mingled with raw fear a split second before Josh's mouth descended on his, or maybe it was him who leaned forward and closed the rest of the distance between them. Either way as soon as their mouths connected his brain switched off, and all he knew was soft and warm and slightly salty from the flavor of MSG still on Josh's tongue. For a few agonizing beats it was nothing more than the press of lips against lips, both of them frozen by the unexpectedness of the moment. He wasn't sure who moved first, but before he had a chance to wonder if he'd just made a colossal mistake Josh's free hand was in his hair, tugging gently as their mouths began to move.

His hands flattened against Josh's chest, fingers kneading hard muscle through the tee shirt Josh had pulled on after his shower. All the tension, all the nervous energy and all the emotion he'd been trying so hard not to show balled in his throat, but he swallowed around it and ignored the fact that he couldn't breathe because he was terrified to relinquish Josh's mouth even for a second. Even the simple act of breathing could cost him the one thing he'd wanted for so long, and it was so much better and so much more terrifying than he'd ever imagined it would be. Way too soon Josh did pull away with a sharp gasp that could have been from lack of air or maybe just surprise. Cooper couldn't think clearly enough to care, couldn't focus on anything except the desolate feeling of not having that mouth pressed against his anymore.

He felt like the world was moving in slow motion as Josh leaned over him and set the take-out container he was still holding on the coffee table, his newly free hand landing on Cooper's thigh when he straightened up to look at the other man again. A heavy sigh escaped Josh's throat and Cooper tensed, part of him wanting to curl in on himself where Josh couldn't reach him and the rest of him wanting to kiss the other man again just to stop him from thinking about what they were doing. It would be worse if he did, though; he knew if he coerced Josh into giving in that it would be a thousand times worse when they woke up together and Josh still had that look of regret on his face.

"I promised myself I wasn't going to do this."

Cooper looked up at the sound of Josh's voice, so thick with emotion as his thumb rubbed little circles into Cooper's thigh. "Do what, Josh? What are we doing here?" The sound of his own voice scared him more than the look on Josh's face, and he slowly withdrew his hands from the solid chest they'd been pressed against.

Another deep breath and Josh looked away, but he didn't move or pull his hand away from Cooper's thigh. "It was you. Come on, Cooper, you had to know it was you. I would have done anything for you back then. God, I followed you around like a puppy, anybody could have seen it."

The part of Cooper that had despaired of ever hearing Josh say the words 'I love you' died in that moment, but somehow he wrestled his emotions into submission long enough to think about what his friend had just said. He'd never said that he still loved Cooper, just that he had years ago. That kiss could have been anything – curiosity, unfinished business, a leftover fantasy about what might have been. Or it could have been very, very real, but Cooper wasn't going to jump to any conclusions when the stakes were this high. "I didn't. I was so stupid and self-centered then, maybe I still am but I never knew. I wish I had. . .you have no idea how much I wish I had. Things would have been so different."

"It was a long time ago, Cooper."

Cooper shook his head against the words, refusing to acknowledge that it might be too late to finally have everything he'd ever wanted. Maybe they were too young and too stupid back then, maybe they needed the years to grow up and get them to where they were now. He needed to believe that, suddenly and with everything in him he needed to believe that they were ready now. "Why'd you apply for a job in Buffalo, Josh?"

The hand on his thigh stopped moving, but before Josh could pull away Cooper covered Josh's hand with his own and held it in place. His thumb stroked slowly over Josh's knuckles as he waited for an answer, smiling faintly at the blush that crept into the other man's cheeks. "I. . .I had this fantasy, you know? I still missed you so much, just being your friend even. And I was looking for a job anyway, so when this new job opened I figured maybe it was the universe trying to tell me something. Either that or I was turning into a stalker, but I just thought maybe if we were in the same town we might run into each other. I mean it's a really good job, I probably would have applied for it anyway."

"So after all this time. . .you still. . ."

As Cooper watched Josh looked up, a spark of anger flashing in his dark eyes as his cheeks flushed a deeper shade of red. "Yes. I still love you, is that what you want to hear? Look, I'm sorry, Cooper, I didn't plan on doing this tonight. Maybe I better go get a room somewhere."

He started to pull away, but Cooper's grip on his hand tightened and he held Josh down on the couch through sheer force of will. "No, Josh. . .stay. Just. . .stay." Cooper pulled Josh forward, vaguely alarmed by the fact that Josh didn't try to push him away or even respond as Cooper wrapped his arms around the other man. He wasn't sure what he was doing or how to fix things between them, but there had to be some way to make Josh understand that he never wanted him to leave. Part of him was afraid that it was way too little much too late, but he had to try and there was only one thing he could think of to say. "I love you," he whispered, his mouth against Josh's ear. "Always have." He turned his head slightly into the warmth of Josh's neck and brushed his lips across the soft skin there, his hands moving in soothing circles on Josh's back.

When Josh didn't respond he started to pull back a little, but as soon as he did strong arms circled him and he found himself pressed tight against Josh's chest. He couldn't breathe but he didn't care, as long as Josh never let go again he was happy to stay right there forever. Then Josh pulled back a little, but before Cooper could ask if he was okay Josh's mouth was against his again. The kiss was slower this time, soft and a little tentative. When they pulled apart again they were both breathless, but the fear was gone from Josh's eyes and Cooper's heart clenched in a way that almost felt good. "Why didn't you just tell me back then?" he asked, reaching up to push Josh's still-damp hair away from his face.

"I didn't want to tell you something like that over the phone," Josh answered, looking down at his hands where they rested against Cooper's legs. "I mean while we were living together I kept telling myself I was just confusing friendship with something I wanted but shouldn't have. I still didn't want to face it when you left, but after I started to fall apart it was hard not to. Rachel more or less dragged it out of me one night, after which I got so wasted I couldn't even stand up." He paused and smiled self-consciously at the memory, shaking his head at all the stupid things he'd done to try to drown the pain. "Then you got so caught up in your dad's business and you were so stressed out, I couldn't dump that on you too. So I guess it was easier just not to deal with it at all."

"Jesus, Josh. . ." Cooper paused and took a deep breath, forcing down the anger welling up inside him. He was hurt that Josh had never told him, furious with Pickle for not calling him and telling him what he was doing to Josh without even knowing it, but more than anything mad at himself for being so selfish he didn't see it. "I'm sorry. I fucked up so many ways, then I tried to drown myself in work so I wouldn't have to think about it."

Josh shook his head, wincing at the memories he must have spent the past five years trying to forget. "I'm glad you didn't know. I was such a mess back then, I didn't know what the hell I was doing so I did anything I could think of to stop thinking about it for awhile. I'm glad you didn't see me like that."

Cooper closed his eyes tight to chase away the flood of images of all the things Josh could have done to try to forget about him. He knew someday he'd have to ask just to keep himself from imagining the endless scenarios his mind could come up with, but not tonight. All he wanted tonight was to make Josh forget everything and everyone that came before him, to drown himself in the feel of Josh's skin against his and fall asleep tangled up in each other. "Josh," he whispered, leaning forward to press soft kisses to his lips, then his cheek and down the smooth column of his neck. "I want. . .God, I've wanted you for so long. If you want to take it slow I'll understand. . ."

Josh pulled back to smile at him, pressing two fingers to Cooper's lips to silence him. "I don't think seven years could count as moving too fast in anybody's book."

~

Josh rolled his eyes at himself as he closed the garage door, but he couldn't quite check the smile that came along with the simple act of letting himself into Cooper's townhouse. He tossed the keys to Cooper's Lexus into the air and caught them on the way back down, letting himself into the house and reaching up to yank his tie loose.

"Don't."

The voice was low and close to his ear, and he glanced to his right to find Cooper leaning in the entrance to the kitchen. Josh grinned and let go of the tie, pushing himself off the door to close the short distance between them. "I know you don't expect me to wear this thing all day."

"Just until you meet my parents," Cooper answered, his hands landing on Josh's arms and tugging him forward until their bodies were flush.

"Your parents?" Josh raised one eyebrow skeptically but he let Cooper pull him forward, their lips meeting in a soft, lingering kiss before he pulled back again. "I've already met your dad, in case you've forgotten. It didn't go very well."

"That was the old Max Frederickson. He's calmed down some." Cooper smirked as Josh rolled his eyes, his hands moving down the soft fabric of Josh's deep lavender dress shirt. "Besides, you look really, really good in this."

Josh grinned at the compliment and let his hands wander under the hem of Cooper's tee shirt, flattening his palms against warm skin. "I'm glad you approve, but don't get used to it. I spend most of my life in jeans."

"A crime against humanity. Not that you don't look good in jeans," Cooper added quickly, unsuccessfully trying to hide a grin at the hurt look on Josh's face. His gaze wandered from Josh's black tie down the soft cotton of his shirt to the hem of his black dress pants. He groaned as Josh's hands started wandering further down his stomach, pushing the body that was pressed against his to a safe distance. "You look way too good in that. We'll never make it through lunch at my parents' house."

"Why are we having lunch at your parents' house?" Josh asked as he finally remembered to hand over the keys to Cooper's car.

"Pop called during your interview, said he needed to talk about some contracts the lawyer dropped off. So I told him I had somebody I wanted him and Mom to meet. Told them you were gonna be around a lot, so they might as well start getting used to it. I gotta change quick, be right back."

"Talk about a resounding endorsement," Josh muttered, but as soon as he realized what Cooper had said he stopped and cleared his throat nervously. "Cooper?"

"Yeah?"

Josh flushed as Cooper stopped on his way to the bedroom and turned to look at him. "What exactly did you mean by 'a lot'?"

He knew he shouldn't be nervous, not when they'd already gotten through the hardest part the night before. He hadn't intended to just blurt out the truth to Cooper, let alone kiss him without warning. It had worked out better than he ever imagined it could, though, and he'd barely managed to focus on his interview for all the images that filled his head from his first night with Cooper. He'd done his best to focus and he hoped that his distraction translated as normal interview anxiety, but he couldn't be sure that he hadn't actually blushed once or twice during the interview process. He'd be in the middle of answering a question about his clinical experience or his personal philosophy on childcare and suddenly he'd remember the feeling of Cooper's mouth moving on his shoulder, hands ghosting over his skin or the feeling when Cooper slid inside him the first time.

The whole night had been like something out of a dream, only when he woke up in the morning there was a warm body pressed against his back and making him too hot. And it just figured Cooper would be a cuddler, but for the first time in his life Josh didn't mind somebody touching him while he was trying to sleep. He was still having a hard time believing that this was actually happening, and until that moment he hadn't really thought about the future or how they proceeded from here. He knew Cooper loved him, words and actions had proven that to him ten times over in the space of the last eighteen hours. What he didn't know was how much of a commitment Cooper wanted, or if he even saw a future for them.

"Josh? Hey, you okay?"

He flinched and focused on Cooper, realizing for the first time that the other man had crossed back to him and was watching Josh curiously. "Yeah, sorry. Just zoned for a minute there."

"How'd your interview go?"

Josh swallowed the urge to ask Cooper how he could think about a stupid job interview at a time like this, steeling himself against the panic he could feel rising in his throat. "It went okay, I think. I'm not sure."

A hand landed on his cheek, fingers brushing his hairline as Cooper studied his face as though he was searching for the answer to a question he hadn't asked yet. "If you don't get this job. . ." He paused and looked away, and Josh's hand came up before he could stop it to cover the hand that was still stroking his cheek. As soon as their fingers connected Cooper looked back at him, grinning nervously as their eyes met. "Damn, this is hard. I was just thinking, you know, this place is pretty big for just one person. And I know it's kinda fast but if you're thinking about moving to Buffalo anyway you'll need a place, and we already know we can live together."

As soon as it sank in what Cooper was asking warmth crept through Josh's whole body, tinting his skin pink and sending shivers of pleasure down his spine. "Did you just ask me to move in with you?"

"Yeah."

Josh struggled against the grin that was threatening to form, pulling Cooper's hand away from his face and entwining their fingers together. "I don't think I can afford this place, Coop. Even if I do get this job they don't pay that much."

"Josh."

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

Josh grinned and did as he was told, although he didn't have much choice when Cooper took hold of his tie and tugged him forward for another kiss.


End file.
